Amanda Chicago Lewis | The Verge The Verge is about technology and how it makes us feel. Founded in 2011, we offer our audience everything from breaking news to reviews to award-winning features and investigations, on our site, in video, and in podcasts. 2023-11-01T13:00:00+00:00 https://www.theverge.com/authors/amanda-chicago-lewis/rss https://platform.theverge.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2025/01/verge-rss-large_80b47e.png?w=150&h=150&crop=1 Amanda Chicago Lewis <![CDATA[The people who ruined the internet]]> https://www.theverge.com/features/23931789/seo-search-engine-optimization-experts-google-results 2023-11-01T09:00:00-04:00 2023-11-01T09:00:00-04:00

The alligator got my attention. Which, of course, was the point. When you hear that a 10-foot alligator is going to be released at a rooftop bar in South Florida, at a party for the people being accused of ruining the internet, you can’t quite stop yourself from being curious. If it was a link — “WATCH: 10-foot Gator Prepares to Maul Digital Marketers” — I would have clicked. But it was an IRL opportunity to meet the professionals who specialize in this kind of gimmick, the people turning online life into what one tech writer recently called a “search-optimized hellhole.” So I booked a plane ticket to the Sunshine State. 

I wanted to understand: what kind of human spends their days exploiting our dumbest impulses for traffic and profit? Who the hell are these people making money off of everyone else’s misery? 

After all, a lot of folks are unhappy, in 2023, with their ability to find information on the internet, which, for almost everyone, means the quality of Google Search results. The links that pop up when they go looking for answers online, they say, are “absolutely unusable”; “garbage”; and “a nightmare” because “a lot of the content doesn’t feel authentic.” Some blame Google itself, asserting that an all-powerful, all-seeing, trillion-dollar corporation with a 90 percent market share for online search is corrupting our access to the truth. But others blame the people I wanted to see in Florida, the ones who engage in the mysterious art of search engine optimization, or SEO. 

Doing SEO is less straightforward than buying the advertising space labeled “Sponsored” above organic search results; it’s more like the Wizard of Oz projecting his voice to magnify his authority. The goal is to tell the algorithm whatever it needs to hear for a site to appear as high up as possible in search results, leveraging Google’s supposed objectivity to lure people in and then, usually, show them some kind of advertising. Voilà: a business model! Over time, SEO techniques have spread and become insidious, such that googling anything can now feel like looking up “sneaker” in the dictionary and finding a definition that sounds both incorrect and suspiciously as though it were written by someone promoting Nike (“footwear that allows you to just do it!”). Perhaps this is why nearly everyone hates SEO and the people who do it for a living: the practice seems to have successfully destroyed the illusion that the internet was ever about anything other than selling stuff. 

So who ends up with a career in SEO? The stereotype is that of a hustler: a content goblin willing to eschew rules, morals, and good taste in exchange for eyeballs and mountains of cash. A nihilist in it for the thrills, a prankster gleeful about getting away with something.

“This is modern-day pirate shit, as close as you can get,” explained Cade Lee, who prepared me over the phone for what to expect in Florida based on over a decade working in SEO. What Lee said he’s noticed most at SEO conferences and SEO networking events is a certain arrogance. “There’s definitely an ego among all of them,” he told me. “You succeed, and now you’re a genius. Now you’ve outdone Google.”

 

This year, The Verge is exploring how Google Search has reshaped the web into a place for robots — and how the emergence of AI threatens Google itself.

The more I thought about search engine optimization and how a bunch of megalomaniacal jerks were degrading our collective sense of reality because they wanted to buy Lamborghinis and prove they could vanquish the almighty algorithm — which, technically, constitutes many algorithms, but we think of as a single force — the more I looked forward to going to Florida for this alligator party. Maybe, I thought, I would get to see someone who made millions clogging the internet with bullshit get the ultimate comeuppance. Maybe an SEO professional would get attacked by a gigantic, prehistoric-looking reptile right there in front of me. Maybe I could even repackage such a tragedy into a sensationalized anecdote for a viral article about the people who do SEO for a living, strongly implying that nature was here to punish the bad guy while somehow also assuming the ethical high ground and pretending I hadn’t been hoping this exact thing would happen from the start. 

Because I, too, use Google. I, too, want reliable and relevant things to come up when I look through this vast compendium of human knowledge. And I, too, enjoy the sweet taste of revenge. 


The first thing that went wrong at the alligator party was the alligator was only five and a half feet long, not 10 feet, as advertised. Classic clickbait! 

The second thing that went wrong at the alligator party was that I found almost everyone I met to be sympathetic, or at least nice enough not to want to see them get maimed by a five-and-a-half-foot alligator. My harshest assessment of the 200 digital marketers taking shots and swaying to a dancehall reggae band was that they dressed like they lived in Florida, which almost all of them did. 

Take Missy Ward, a blonde in an orange bandage dress so tight she told me she couldn’t take full steps. She laughed as she explained that she’d ordered the dress on Amazon and hadn’t tried it on until the day of the alligator party. Ward had a feisty, wry energy that made me want to root for her. When she started doing SEO in 1998, she said, it was “five girls and all dudes.” She eventually sold her company for $40 million. Somehow, in the moment, I was psyched to hear this. She was being so patient, explaining the history of SEO and suggesting other people for me to reach out to. I should really go talk with that guy across the room, who had a long-running podcast about SEO, she said, the one in the sky blue polo.  

His name was Daron Babin, and I quickly learned he was just the kind of “modern-day pirate shit” guy I’d been warned about: thrilled at the opportunity to recount the brilliant trickery that had allowed him to line his pockets. His SEO career got going in 1994, before Google even existed. “The air of manipulation was insane,” Babin told me. “We had this weird community of geeks and nerds, and we all talked to each other about how we were beating the algorithms up,” he said. “People were trying to outrank other people just for bragging rights.” 

We were chatting on a patio overlooking the Atlantic Ocean, between the buffet and the band, when the host of the alligator party, Darren Blatt, came up to say how glad he was that I’d found Daron Babin.

“It was like I won the lottery, and I didn’t know how long it would last.”

Darren and Daron (pronounced the same way) have been friends for decades, since the era when Darren “D-Money” Blatt would throw rap star-studded internet marketing shindigs during the Adult Video News Awards in Vegas, back when sex sites were among the most advanced in technology, and Daron Babin was using SEO to promote offshore casinos and Viagra (“We were outranking Pfizer!”). Together, Darren and Daron managed to milk all three of the early online cash cows: porn, pills, and gambling. 

As the internet became more regulated and mainstream, around the turn of the century, Darren noticed Daron’s SEO skills were increasingly in demand. “I told him that he was missing the boat, that he needed to be a consultant and charge a few grand,” Darren said. 

Daron took the advice, asking for $2,000 a day, and watched his career explode. “I would wake up in a city and not know what time zone I was in,” he recalled. To slow the pace, he upped it to $5,000 a day, but “it seemed the more I raised my rates, the more gigs I was getting.” 

Nowadays, he mostly invests in cannabis and psychedelics. SEO just got to be too complicated for not enough money, he told me. Ward had told me the same thing, that she had stopped focusing on SEO years ago. 

I was considering how it was possible that so many people have been complaining recently about SEO ruining the internet if these people were telling me the SEO business is in decline when I met Jairo Bastilla. He was the kind of tall, charming man who described himself multiple times as “a nerd,” and he pointed out that even though working directly with search engine rankings is “no longer monetizing at the highest payout,” the same “core knowledge of SEO” remains relevant for everything from native advertising to social media. 

Translation? SEO is now baked into everything. Bastilla, for example, specializes in email campaigns, which he called “deliverability.” 

As a person who militantly unsubscribes to any and all marketing emails, I suddenly felt claustrophobic, surrounded by people who annoy the rest of us for a living. Why does it always seem to surprise me, even after all these years, that the way we behave on the internet is often quite different from how we act in real life? 

I wandered off to wait in line for a drink, where I noticed several people nonchalantly making space in a corner, as if to move out of the way for a bartender carrying empty glasses. There, squirming along the ground, was the alligator himself, wagging his tail, snout held shut by a thin strip of electrical tape. His handler was nowhere in sight. It was an unsettling vision, a predator pretending to be just another party guest.

“They should untape the mouth!” someone shouted. “I’m not even scared.”

As sunset turned to dusk, I found Daron Babin again, and he started telling me about one of his signature moves, back in the ’90s, involving fake domain names: “I could make it look like it was somebody else, but it actually redirected to me!” What he and his competitors did was legal but well beyond what the dominant search engine allowed. He never faced any consequences, but in the end, internet users at large felt the effects: “It muddied up Yahoo, ultimately,” he said, “but while it worked, we banked.”

The situation sounded familiar. But I liked Babin. He was funny and smart, a keen observer of the SEO world. “We’re entering a very weird time, technologically, with AI, from an optimization standpoint,” he told me. Anyone who thought the internet was already saturated with SEO-oriented content should buckle up. 

“All the assholes that are out there paying shitty link-building companies to build shitty articles,” he said, “now they can go and use the free version of GPT.” Soon, he said, Google results would be even worse, dominated entirely by AI-generated crap designed to please the algorithms, produced and published at volumes far beyond anything humans could create, far beyond anything we’d ever seen before.

“They’re not gonna be able to stop the onslaught of it,” he said. Then he laughed and laughed, thinking about how puny and irrelevant Google seemed in comparison to the next generation of automated SEO. “You can’t stop it!” 

A man in business casual attire, hands in pockets, standing before multiple hands and computer mice in a colorful illustration.

Once I was safe at home, my alligator attack bluster having deflated into an irrepressible affection for clever scoundrels, mixed with fear about the future promised by said scoundrels, I decided to seek a broader range of the people who do SEO for a living. Perhaps the ones who live in Florida were simply too, well, Florida, and the ones who live elsewhere might be more principled? An old contact heard I was writing about SEO and suggested I find a man he called Legendary Lars: “He was an absolute god in that space.” 

I tracked down Lars Mapstead in Northern California, where he was preparing to run for president in 2024 as a Libertarian. Mapstead spent the first two years of his life in a Volkswagen van traveling the Pacific coast before his hippie parents settled on a Big Sur property with goats, chickens, and no electricity. He became a tinkerer and an autodidact, the guy who reads the instruction manual and fixes everything himself. When he first heard about the World Wide Web, it was 1993, and he was working for a company selling computer motherboards. 

“It’s like the freedom of information!” he remembered thinking. “It’s all just about collaborating and bettering mankind!”  

He learned how to build a website and then how to submit a site to be listed in early search directories like AltaVista, WebCrawler, Infoseek, and Lycos. He learned how to create chat rooms, attracting people spread across the globe, all alone in their homes but together online. It was beautiful. It was exciting. Mapstead saw himself as an explorer in a small but finite kingdom. “I had surfed the entire internet. There wasn’t a page I hadn’t seen.”

And then, one day, a company in New York offered to pay him $2,000 a month to put banner ads on one of his websites, and everything changed. More clicks meant more ad dollars. Higher search engine rankings meant more clicks. So whatever it took to get a higher ranking, he learned how to do. He bought photographs of women in bikinis and made a 60-page slideshow with banner ads on each page. He realized that most search engines were just listing websites in order of how many times a search term appeared on the site and in its tags, so he focused on stuffing his sites with keywords, resubmitting his URL to the search engines, and waiting for the results to change. 

Mapstead started pulling in $25,000–$30,000 a month, working 12- to 14-hour days. “It was how long could I stay awake and how little life could I have because this was more money than I could have ever imagined in my lifetime,” he told me. “It was like I won the lottery, and I didn’t know how long it would last.” 

Around this time, in 1997, an Italian professor published a journal article about what he called Search Engines Persuasion. “Finding the right information on the World Wide Web is becoming a fundamental problem,” he wrote. “A vast number of new companies was born just to make customer Web pages as visible as possible,” which “has led to a bad performance degradation of search engines.” 

Enter Google. The company revolutionized search by evaluating websites based on links from other websites, seeing each link as a vote of relevance and trustworthiness. The founders pledged to be a neutral navigation system with no ads: just a clean white screen with a search box that would bring people off of the Google landing page and out to a helpful website as seamlessly as possible. Users quickly decided this link-based sorting methodology was superior to the existing search engines, and by the end of 1999, Google was handling the majority of online queries.

“I was basically just spamming Facebook with cars and articles about cars and sending traffic to banner ads, and that turned into $120,000 a month.”

Mapstead, like many of the early practitioners of SEO, figured out how to adapt. Almost as soon as Google took over, a secondary market emerged for links. For a few hundred bucks, a firm in India or the Philippines could provide thousands of links from blog networks built entirely for that purpose. It was easy: buy links that led to your site and watch your ranking in Google’s results rise.

I came to understand that, since the dawn of the internet, there have been people attempting to manipulate search and then people decrying those manipulations as the end of search’s ability to be useful. It works in cycles. People doing SEO find loopholes in the algorithm; critics complain about search results; search engines innovate and close the loopholes. Rinse, repeat.

Before our current moment of widespread disillusionment with online information, the rise of SEO had reached a breaking point multiple times. In 2003, as Google approached the deadline to disclose pertinent business information leading up to its IPO, the company quietly released an update cracking down. By 2011, SEO was once again oppressively pervasive. TechCrunch published a story called “Why We Desperately Need a New (and Better) Google,” which argued that “Google has become a jungle: a tropical paradise for spammers and marketers.” In the next year, Google made two major changes to the algorithm, which came to be called Panda and Penguin.

While the public might have experienced each of these updates as a relief, Mapstead and his SEO compatriots saw them as devastating. “They change the rules instantly overnight, and then you’re out of business,” he told me. “Here you’re trying to rely on this business model to feed yourself and your family, and they’re pulling the rug from underneath you, and you’ve gotta scramble to pay rent.”  

But don’t worry about Mapstead. This is a guy seemingly blessed with a never-ending mental stream of schemes. He helped start a handful of companies, including the once-ubiquitous hookup site AdultFriendFinder, which sold in 2007 for $500 million. He tried to retire after that but got bored and started a couple of Facebook pages devoted to his passion for hot rods and custom cars. This was during the peak years for social media, and just as Bastilla had described back at the alligator party, Mapstead’s “core knowledge of SEO” came in handy. Before long, his pages had 25 million followers. “I was basically just spamming Facebook with cars and articles about cars and sending traffic to banner ads, and that turned into $120,000 a month,” he told me. “And that was supposed to be my hobby!”


As I spoke with more SEO professionals around the country, I began to think that the reason I found them endearing and not evil was that while many had made quite a bit of money, almost none had amassed significant power. Unlike the Elon Musks and Jeff Bezoses of the world, who went from geeky teenagers to masters of the universe, the dorks who grew up to do SEO have stayed the butt of the joke, beholden to the fluctuations of the algorithm, frantically pulling levers behind the scenes but ultimately somewhat hapless. 

I mean, have I even mentioned that they call themselves “SEOs”? Really. They say things like, “As the SEO, my job is to get more traffic.” This title feels thirsty to be seen as similar to a CEO, to be taken seriously. And compared to the rest of the tech world, SEO has always lacked a certain glamor or a certain messiah complex. Case in point: while many of the tech CEOs claiming to save the world these days live in Miami, the alligator party was an hour up the coast in Fort Lauderdale.

“The SEO people are just trying to make money,” said Peter Kent, the author of several dozen explanatory tech books, including SEO for Dummies and Bitcoin for Dummies. “The cryptocurrency people are trying to make money, but they’re also trying to overthrow, you know, the existing system.” 

Kent has done his fair share of SEO jobs but also has something of an outsider’s perspective. For years, he’s been telling people that part of the SEO industry’s reputation problem is that 80 percent of SEOs are scammers. 

“A lot of companies and individuals out there selling their services as SEO gurus don’t know what they’re doing or don’t really give a damn,” he explained. As a consultant, he’s often had businesses ask him to vet the work of other SEOs. “I would take a look at their site and determine the firm had done next to nothing and had been charging thousands a month for years on end.”

When I ran this 80 percent scam figure by other SEOs, most agreed it sounded accurate, though people were divided about what to ascribe to greed and what was just stupidity.  

“It isn’t because they have a scammer’s heart,” said Bruce Clay. “It’s because they don’t have the real expertise.” Clay is an avuncular man with a mustache who is often credited with coining the phrase “search engine optimization” and is therefore called “the father of SEO.” He told me his agency never hires an SEO with less than a decade of experience.

“I don’t know if you can trust anything you read online.”

Though Google publishes guidelines explaining how to do better in search (“Make your site interesting and useful”), the exact formula for how and why one website gets placed over another is top secret, meaning that SEO involves a lot of reverse engineering and guesswork. With no clear chain of cause and effect around why a site’s ranking has changed, a less talented practitioner can take on the mien of a premodern farmer, struggling to figure out how to make it rain. Should he do that dance he did last year the night before it poured? Or maybe sacrifice his firstborn?

The algorithm is just too opaque, too complicated, and too dynamic, making it easy for scammy SEOs to pretend they know what they’re doing and difficult for outsiders to sort the good SEOs from the bad. To make things even more confusing for, say, a small business looking to hire someone to improve their Google ranking, even a talented SEO might need a year of work to make a difference, perhaps implying a good SEO was a scammer when in fact, the client was just being impatient or refusing to implement essential advice. “There’s a great deal of effort that’s required to do things to move the needle, and a lot of companies aren’t willing to put out the money for that, even though it may be worthwhile in the long run,” said John Heard, a longtime SEO based in Kansas. 

Of course, some people bristled at the very suggestion that the industry is filled with con artists. “There are a lot of scammers in every single business. It’s just easier to call yourself an SEO than a doctor,” said Barry Schwartz. Schwartz is an unbelievably fast talker and a prolific writer who has spent the past two decades covering SEO for the trade rag Search Engine Land. Both over the phone with me and in his work, he has defended SEO as a legitimate, dignified pursuit: “The search community is filled with hard-working individuals working to help their clients’ websites succeed in Google Search. That success is not done through dark, corrupt or shady tactics but rather hard, smart and thorough work.”

Several people that I spoke to made a similar point: the best SEOs are the ones that follow Google’s rules, which essentially ask you to make amazing websites without even thinking about Google. You are not supposed to make any attempt to artificially boost a website’s ranking; you are supposed to be designing websites for human readers, not for the algorithm. And many SEOs do exactly this kind of work: rewriting copy, making a site load more quickly, etc. But the existence of good SEOs does not negate the presence of scammers and idiots and people who get ahead by violating Google’s terms of service, just as the mild-mannered teacher’s pet in a classroom does not negate the obnoxious shouting of the kids that refuse to behave. A few loud kids can easily drown everyone else out. 

Even Schwartz acknowledged the effect that the rule-breaking SEOs have had on the internet experience. We get to talking about the types of small businesses that are particularly lucrative customers for SEOs, including lawyers, accountants, and contractors, because these are the professions eager for attention from all the people going online to find local recommendations. If Schwartz himself had to hire a reliable attorney, I asked, what would be the best way to do so?

“I don’t know if you can trust anything you read online,” he told me. “Maybe you ask a friend.” 

An illustration of a tilted browser window spilling out numerous items including money, keycaps, people, and various search browser icons.

After hearing so much about what it was like to be an SEO, I decided it was time to better understand what’s been going on from the perspective of the search engine. Google was slow to allow someone to talk with me, possibly because of the giant PR clusterfuck that has been the company’s past year (accused by the federal government of being a monopoly; increasingly despised by the public; losing ground to Reddit, TikTok, and large language models), so I decided to start by meeting up with a chipper, charismatic man named Duane Forrester.

Forrester was at Microsoft from 2007 until 2015, where he helped launch and manage Bing, the perpetual underdog to Google’s domination of online search. Before and after his time at Microsoft, Forrester worked as an SEO, so he sees the industry from both sides, like an aerospace engineer who spent a few years at the Department of Defense, left for the private sector, and now is much better at winning military contracts. Forrester has a holistic understanding of the delicate push and pull between the SEOs desperate for clues on how to do their jobs better and the search engine trying to keep its secret-sauce algorithm proprietary. He also knows a huge range of people in the industry. Like Schwartz, he wanted to emphasize how hard everyone works. “I’ve lost track of how many people I know who built companies and sold them and have just, like, made wealth,” he told me. “That is not a 40-hour commitment in the week. That is a 400-hour commitment.” (For the record, there are 168 hours in a week.)

These days, Forrester lives in Los Angeles, and he asked me to meet him at one of his favorite restaurants, which felt like a British pub operated by Disney World, tucked away in a desert strip mall. Inside, every inch was covered in Anglophile paraphernalia, including Union Jack flags, a mural of Big Ben, and a red phone booth. Over a full English breakfast, he told me about growing up in rural Canada, where his parents owned a motel. As a kid, he used to mess around with the pay phone outside, eventually figuring out how to finagle free long-distance phone calls. “And then it became, ‘What else can I know how to do?’”

By the ’90s, Forrester was trading tips with other SEOs in online forums. He still remembers the thrill of the very first SEO conference he went to, where he was asked to speak. “The people who got up onstage to talk were seen as somehow more knowledgeable, but I don’t know that we felt that way,” he said. “You all kind of knew you were making shit up.” 

After years of being friends online, the SEOs were eager to let loose in person, giving off what Forrester described as “that vibe of a lot of young people with access to a lot of money. And it was like, no expenses spared in New York City.” 

“What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?”

For Forrester, it was the start of a long career of keynote presentations and consummate schmoozing — Clay, the father of SEO, described him to me as “a cruise director” on the SS SEO. The conference circuit has treated Forrester well. He’s attended events in Napa, Hawaii, and Barbados, among many others, as well as “an infinite number of private dinners and these types of things in every city you can think of, at the most lavish restaurants,” he said. “I’ve lost track of how many Michelin-starred meals I’ve had, ’cause it’s now in the dozens, from my time in this industry. And I’m not going to say no to the dinner that everyone’s going to, that one company is sponsoring because it’s a thank you to everybody who contributed to, whatever it was, you know? And you go and everybody has a good time. You talk about the industry, and that’s it. And it becomes the stuff of legends.”

Over the years, he’s seen it all. He remembered “walking into hotel rooms and it’s two o’clock in the morning, there’s drugs and alcohol and everything everywhere, and there’s a party going on.” Forrester marveled at the audacity of his fellow SEOs. “Somebody showed up and brought her Aston Martin to a conference and parked it at the front door. Immediately got a parking ticket.” He suggested she might want to relocate the car before it got towed, but the woman told him she would just move it to the next parking spot and get another ticket. “She goes, ‘It’s cheaper for me to leave the car parked out front and use it as a way to start conversations with potential clients than it is for me to rent a suite at the hotel and get people to go to the suite to have the same conversation.’” Then, she offered to take Forrester for a joyride around Seattle. Obviously, he said yes.

Once he represented Bing, Forrester more or less stopped drinking at conferences, as had long been the case for his counterpart at Google, an engineer named Matt Cutts, who helped build and then ran the company’s web spam team before stepping back in 2014 and leaving in 2016. 

Cutts was a celebrity among SEOs, constantly mobbed with questions and complaints. When we spoke on the phone, he told me that before he left, he determined that he had sent about 50,000 emails to people outside of Google during his decade and a half at the company. 

Several SEOs described trying to get Cutts to drink at conferences so he would “spill secrets,” as one put it, but what generally ended up happening was that all the SEOs would get drunk instead. Meanwhile, Cutts would stay sober, jotting down the latest SEO methods on a small notepad, sitting quietly in the corner at the bar. 

“My favorite question to ask an SEO,” Cutts told me, was, “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?” which prompted responses that felt like “a cross between showing off and a confessional.” So many SEOs were tempted to reveal the vulnerabilities they’d discovered in Google’s algorithms, even when they were talking to the one person they really shouldn’t have been talking to, the guy who was planning to go back to his office and make those vulnerabilities disappear. 


As a former SEO himself, Forrester understood that the quality of Bing’s search results would be impacted by the work of SEOs, so it made sense to communicate with SEOs as much as possible. Cutts similarly tried to serve as a conduit between SEOs and Google, but Forrester felt that Google projected an attitude he described as: “We know what we’re doing, we will stop your attempts to game this, and you know what? We’ll just kind of ignore you, and when you give us feedback, eh, we don’t really care.” 

Cutts, as an individual, seemed to be doing his best within an expanding corporate behemoth to remain approachable. “One thing I learned early on was that even when someone was shouting at you, there’s a kernel of something you needed to hear in the other person and listen to and respect and integrate and incorporate,” he told me. Most SEOs told me they appreciated his efforts. When Google released the 2011 Panda update that devastated a generation of SEO businesses, Cutts openly recognized the impossible task of achieving the kind of epistemological neutrality that Google’s founders had initially promised, telling Wired at the time, “[T]he only way to be neutral is either to randomize the links or to do it alphabetically.” 

Still, some blamed him personally for “killing” companies that had relied on the previous iteration of the algorithm. During his time at Google, Cutts regularly received death threats and hate mail. When SEOs would send, say, a fruit plate or a brownie cake addressed to him at Google’s offices, he told me, “We’d take it down to the kitchen with a note warning: possibly poisoned.”

After Cutts left, Google replaced him with a handful of people, none of whom could quite fill his shoes: “Those personalities sometimes were standoffish,” Forrester told me. “Some of them were superior. Some of them were a bit too wallflower.” 

One of the people Google brought in was Danny Sullivan, a former journalist who started Search Engine Land, the industry publication where Schwartz works, back in the 2000s. In 2009, Sullivan was described as “the closest approximation to an umpire in the search world,” so when he published “A deep look at Google’s biggest-ever search quality crisis” in 2017 and then took a job as Google’s public liaison for Search only a few months later, it felt to some SEOs as though a congressperson working on gun safety legislation had quit to become an NRA lobbyist. 

“There is a thread across the industry of people who believe that Google just made Danny an offer he couldn’t say no to, and it was designed essentially to take his voice out of the conversation,” Forrester told me. “I don’t believe that’s the case,” he went on, but compared to Cutts, “I think that Danny specifically stays out of a lot of public conversations because he is in those private conversations with businesses.”

Was all that really Google’s fault? Or the SEOs? Or was this about something deeper and more human: the will to exploit something so much we destroy it.

When I finally manage to jump through the flaming rings necessary to be allowed to speak on the phone with Sullivan, albeit with a communications chaperone also on the line, I find him angry and defensive. He’s annoyed that anyone would think his era at Google has been less transparent than Cutts’ was: “We have reams of help documents!” he told me. “We have more people assigned to work with SEOs than we did when Matt worked here!” 

Sullivan is mad that the public and the media don’t really understand what he considers to be basic precepts about how search works, leading him to adopt a rather scolding tone online. He’s frustrated that people want to know every last detail about Google’s algorithm because even “if we listed all one thousand of the ranking signals” and how much each was worth, he said, that wouldn’t actually help SEOs do their jobs better, anyway. 

And most of all, Sullivan is pissed that people think Google results have gone downhill. Because they haven’t, he insisted. If anything, search results have gotten a lot better over time. Anyone who thought search quality was worse needed to take a hard look in the mirror.

“We have an entire generation that grew up expecting the search box to do the work for them,” he said. “We might do a better job of matching for a bulk of people, but for people who are super sensitive, when they have that fail moment, now it becomes, ‘All my searches aren’t good.’”

The problem was not Google. The problem was not SEOs. The problem was kids these days

Of course Sullivan would say this, though. He works for Google. I felt like I began to understand why many SEOs had told me that Cutts’ departure had marked a major turning point in the history of the internet, emblematic of Google’s transition from idealistic startup to one of the most valuable and powerful companies to ever exist. Over the phone, Cutts came off as humble and thoughtful, acknowledging the nuances and challenges of the search engine business, while Sullivan sounded like an impatient corporate stooge, trying to gaslight me into believing the sky was red. 

But here’s the part where I started to feel the way I’ve felt so often in recent years, like I was losing my grip on reality: Sullivan was not the only person who tried to tell me that search results have improved significantly. Out of the dozen-plus SEOs that I spoke with at length, nearly every single one insisted that search results are way better than they used to be. And except for Sullivan, these were not people with an incentive to praise Google. If anything, these were folks who lamented how much harder it had become for them to take advantage of Google. Today, they told me, search results are just objectively more accurate. More useful. More difficult to manipulate. 

This was not what I had been noticing, and this was certainly not what I had been hearing from friends and journalists and friends who are journalists. Were all of us wrong? Or engulfed in some kind of Baader–Meinhof frequency bias delusion? Had I been researching a nonexistent problem? Were Google results actually amazing? Truly, I had lost the plot. Was the premise of this piece completely off? Was I the asshole who deserved to be attacked by an alligator? 

I began to worry all the people who were mad about search results were upset about something that had nothing to do with metrics and everything to do with feelings and ~vibes~ and a universal, non-Google-specific resentment and rage about how the internet has made our lives so much worse in so many ways, dividing us and deceiving us and provoking us and making us sadder and lonelier. Decades of American optimism about the wonderful potential of technology, from the Moon landing to personal computers to the iPhone, had finally, in the last few years, broken down into comprehensive chagrin at the petty, pathetic, and violent world enabled by our devices. Was all that really Google’s fault? Or the SEOs? Or was this about something deeper and more human: the will to exploit something so much we destroy it. To muddy it up, as Babin had put it, but while it worked, to make as much fucking money as possible. 

A vibrant illustration of a person standing before an internet browser window with an open door in its center. In the background, a series of progressively larger internet browser windows extends beyond the frame.

The person who helped me snap out of my confusion spiral was an SEO named Lily Ray. Ray is a 30-something jet-setter with black-line tattoos and an asymmetrical, dyed blonde pixie cut. I managed to catch her for lunch in Brooklyn between speaking gigs in Chicago and Berlin on a day when she was also simultaneously managing a 35-person team at her digital marketing agency, posting multiple times an hour on social media, dog-sitting for a Pomeranian whose “daddies” were at Burning Man, caring for her own mini Australian shepherd, and organizing the house party she was hosting that weekend — a party she expected to be late for because she first had to drop by a rooftop to perform a DJ set at a different party. 

Ray reassured me that I was not crazy. Google results today do feel different from how they felt just five or six years ago for two major reasons. The first was Google’s response to the disinformation panic around the 2016 election, which involved questioning the notion that the most reliable information could be chosen by a form of popularity, meaning how many links a site received from other sites. As a result, the algorithm seemed to change its approach to links, especially when it came to news and sites offering legal, financial, or health advice, and instead paid more attention to what Google came to call E-E-A-T: experience, expertise, authoritativeness, and trustworthiness.

“E-E-A-T has had a pretty big impact on what types of results you see,” Ray told me. She’s done extensive (and fascinating) research around how certain sites have fared under these new guidelines: Urban Dictionary, down! Mayo Clinic, up! Some people consider EEAT part of what’s making results better than ever. Others see it as a form of censorship, disproportionately affecting right-wing perspectives. Not every search query takes EEAT into account; Google has described heightened concern over sites that could impact safety, happiness, and the ability to be an informed citizen. But the point that really hit me was that for certain kinds of information, Google had undone one of the fundamental elements of what had made its results so appealing from the start. Now, instead of wild-west crowdsourcing, search was often reinforcing institutional authority.

You can’t just be the most powerful observer in the world for two decades and not deeply warp what you are looking at

This felt complicated at best. When it comes to health and wellness, for example, quackery is often in the eye of the beholder. Everyone knows someone who has struggled with the limits of Western medicine. So much of the original draw of the internet was the opportunity for outlier voices to be heard alongside established experts and elites. Looking back on all that had changed around what first attracted people to Google, from the introduction of ads to the efforts to keep users within the universe of Google products, this seemed to be the last straw.

The second major reason why Google results feel different lately was, of course, SEO — specifically, the obnoxious-kid-refusing-to-behave-in-class kind of SEO. 

“SEO that goes against Google’s guidelines, it’s not new,” Ray explained. A decade ago, it used to be called “black hat” SEO, in comparison to the search engine-approved “white hat” tactics. And Google has, as Sullivan and many SEOs told me, gotten better over time at catching SEOs playing tricks on the algorithm. Although many of us may have rosy memories of how magical and cool Google seemed in the early days, most SEOs consider the years between 2003 and 2011 to be the boom times, when you could still get a fake corporate website listed above the real corporate website, and you could mess with the search results for a major political figure such that something sexual or racist would come up first. 

Google is harder to game now — it’s true. But the sheer volume of SEO bait being produced is so massive and so complex that Google is overwhelmed. “It’s exponentially worse,” Ray said. “People can mass auto-generate content with AI and other tools,” she went on, and “in many cases, Google’s algorithms take a minute to catch onto it.” 

The future that Babin had cackled about at the alligator party was already here. We humans and our pedestrian questions were getting caught up in a war of robots fighting robots, of Google’s algorithms trying to find and stop the AI-enabled sites programmed by SEOs from infecting our internet experience.

Eventually, a site filled with computer-generated nonsense designed to maximize SEO will get removed from search results, Ray explained, but while it’s up, the creator might make as much as $50,000 or $100,000 a month. A lot of the people who did this, she said, live cheaply overseas in places like Bali and Chiang Mai. ”They make a bunch of money, that site dies, and they go do it again,” she said. “It’s like a churn and burn strategy. So if people are seeing those results, it can be very frustrating for users ‘cause it’s like, ‘This is terrible.’” 

And yet, as much as she despises what this kind of SEO has done to the internet, Ray told me she hesitated to condemn the actual people doing it. “I used to do those types of tactics, so I couldn’t hate on anybody personally,” she said. “If people have a problem with Google’s results, they have to ask themselves, is it the fault of the SEOs?” she asked. “Or is this Google behaving differently than it used to?” 

Sullivan had tried to convince me that Google was not behaving differently and, in fact, had not changed its search criteria in any major way for the past 20 years. Google wanted you to make good websites, and that was that. Everyone who tried to rank higher by messing with the algorithm would be blocked. Sullivan even insisted that what these rule-breakers did should not be called SEO: he deemed it all “spam.” What is spam? “Spam is stuff that search engines don’t like.” 

But the line between strategies that violate Google’s terms of service and strategies that don’t has always been blurry and inconsistently enforced. “I’ve never seen this much tension in the industry in terms of, like, what Google says to do and what people are doing and getting away with,” Ray told me. “If you’re gonna tell us that this stuff doesn’t work, make it stop working!”


Ray seemed like the most reasonable person I had spoken to so far. Sure, she called herself a “thought leader,” and yes, sure, she had changed her last name to improve her personal branding by more closely associating herself with her grandmother’s uncle, the artist Man Ray. Maybe some people would say that’s the kind of absurd behavior that merits being attacked by an alligator, but I was beginning to come down on the side of the SEOs, who seemed to have a lot less agency than I’d first imagined. 

Google had started with a noble cause: trying to make the internet easier to navigate at scale. The company did accomplish that goal, but in doing so, it inadvertently and profoundly changed how the internet looked. The problem lay in Google trying to be an objective and neutral arbiter of an information landscape that was meant to pretend it did not exist. You cannot design a free, automated system to help people find information without some people trying to game that system. You can’t just be the most powerful observer in the world for two decades and not deeply warp what you are looking at. 

For the past 25 years, the internet as we know it has been almost entirely defined and controlled by Google. What the SEOs do matters for all of us on a daily basis, distorting how we perceive the world in ways we can hardly begin to imagine or understand. Yet any money that any SEO has made is a fraction of a crumb compared to Google’s 10-layer cake. The company brings in hundreds of billions of dollars a year, profits that skew Google’s choices and priorities. As Google’s founders wrote back in 1997: “we expect that advertising funded search engines will be inherently biased towards the advertisers and away from the needs of the consumers.”

At the end of the day, it’s Google’s world, and the SEOs are only living in it

There’s a reason why most countries around the world have libraries that are public institutions: information that is controlled by a private business will always be subject to that business’s bottom line. In the beginning, the internet was seen as an improvement on the spirit of the public library. Here was an opportunity to transcend the gatekeepers controlling who could publish a book, allowing mankind to fully connect and share knowledge. Instead, we have ended up in a situation arguably worse than before, where nearly all online information runs through a single company, which assumes a veneer of civic utility, of impassive authority, when it is very much not a neutral entity. 

“There were so many true believers at Google in the early days,” Cutts told me. “As companies get big, it gets harder to get things done. Inevitably, people start to think about profit or quarterly numbers.” He claimed that, at least while he was there, search quality always came before financial goals, but he believes that the public underestimates how Google is shaping what they see, saying, “I deeply, deeply, deeply believe search engines are newspaper-like entities, making editorial decisions.” He speculated that the company didn’t want the public to think too hard about how search works because that awareness “encourages regulators and makes people realize, ‘Oh, there’s a lot of money here.’”

There has always been advertising and polemics from cranks, scammers, and liars. But now we see this stuff surfacing alongside truth, and we can’t tell the difference. We move through our lives with a greater sense of distrust and fear and insecurity. At the end of the day, it’s Google’s world, and the SEOs are only living in it. 

And as much as I might hate the way the SEOs who don’t follow Google’s rules have altered my online experience, the reality is that most people running a company will break whatever rules they are able to get away with breaking. While Ray herself said she has left behind the guideline-violating tactics of her past, choosing instead to do as Google asks and make high-quality websites that will “make the internet a better place,” as she put it, that kind of moral standard can be a lot to ask of someone running a business. 

“They want this wholesome thing, and I can understand that. That’d be neat,” said an SEO named Cade Lee. “But that’s maybe in a world where we don’t have money and greed and things, you know?” 

Lee was the person I spoke with on the phone before going to the alligator party, the guy who warned me that SEO was “modern-day pirate shit.” He is among the SEOs who have spoken publicly, on panels, about violating Google’s guidelines. He’s also an ex-con who used to trade penny stocks and served time for securities fraud. His entire body is covered in tattoos, from his scalp to his legs to his fingers. When we met up for beers in Denver at a bar outside an escape room, he told me that his probation officer in the economic crime offenders unit has never tried to stop him from violating Google’s terms of service. 

“I was transparent about it, and they approved it,” he said. They even approved “some pretty questionable things, like in regards to adult sites,” he told me, specifically involving what he’d thought were ads for consensual sex workers. Later, an activist reached out and showed him how certain websites he had built were supporting human trafficking. Horrified, he shut the whole thing down, even then helping the activist with her website.

These days, Lee runs a construction company. His probation officer hates when he phrases it like this, but he thinks any way you make money is essentially a con or a scam of some kind. “The good con is like, you actually delivered, and you came through and made a profit.” For example: “We’re gonna take that old lady’s money to build her a brand new patio. There’s that scam, and then there’s, ‘Hey, let’s take her deposit and run.’” Lee is the kind of guy who has spent a lot of time thinking about his place in the world: what matters, what doesn’t, and how his actions affect other people. He was in the Marines, he sold mortgages in the lead-up to the 2008 crash, he went to prison, he’s done SEO. He understands that he needs to make money to survive, but he’d like to do so in a way that is minimally harmful. So he prefers the good kind of con. 

“That’s what happened with SEO for me — it was becoming bullshit,” he says. “I was not feeling good about customer meetings and about what I was saying, and I was like, ‘I shouldn’t be doing this.’”


Correction: An earlier version of the piece misstated when Search Engine Land was founded. It was in the 2000s, not the ‘90s. We regret the error.

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Amanda Chicago Lewis <![CDATA[Sex, Lies, and Video Games]]> https://www.theverge.com/21571690/oomba-startup-work-environment-sex-lies-video-games-gameworks-exworks 2020-11-23T10:00:00-05:00 2020-11-23T10:00:00-05:00

When her new boss started hitting on her, Ronnie* wondered if she might be able to take advantage of the situation. She was 23, and by now she’d figured out that when she raised the pitch of her voice and dressed like an anime fantasy girl, switching her hair from purple to green to pink every few weeks, it drove certain guys wild. Guys like the CEO of this startup, a serial entrepreneur named Michael Williams. She examined him from her desk: he was 49 and seemed rich but painfully nerdy and obsessed with Magic: The Gathering. Maybe if she acted all bubbly and let him stare, she could get a raise or a promotion. His crush was her opportunity.      

“I could tell he just wanted to hang out with a cute girl,” she tells me.

It was the summer of 2016, and this was Ronnie’s first office gig. “I called it my big girl job,” she says. Once she saw the perks of working in tech, she didn’t want to go back to retail. After all, Claire’s had never encouraged its mall employees to play beer pong at happy hour. The startup, called Oomba, was even doing something cool: building software that could run tournaments for any game, from Scrabble to soccer to League of Legends. Ronnie liked video games, especially the art, and even a few trading card games, as long as they were fair and the rules stayed consistent. Yu-Gi-Oh, for example, she couldn’t stand. A few rare cards were too powerful, rigging the outcome. And where was the fun in that?  

“I think Mike was delusional, that he literally thought he was going to develop the next Facebook”

Ronnie’s family had fled Mexico for Southern California when she was nine, after a cartel threatened to kill them if her father didn’t move drugs or at least pay a bribe. In the US, her parents worked hard, but she could relax. “My thing was just kind of partying,” she says. “A total scene kid.” At 20, she moved in with a boyfriend who became more and more domineering, until one day it escalated into a physical fight between them, and she says he picked her up by the throat and threw her. She left him, but in retrospect, Ronnie says she thinks Williams noticed she was “a damaged girl” and therefore vulnerable — that this was why he came by her desk, remembered her birthday, asked for her phone number.

Two months after she started at Oomba, Williams invited her out after an office party. 

“Where are we all going?” she asked. 

“Shhh,” he said — he’d meant just the two of them, alone. 

“Okay… yeah, sure,” Ronnie agreed. She tried to be accommodating, she tells me later. “I wanted to be his favorite, so I could stay there the longest and move up.”

Williams took Ronnie to an arcade and filled a card with points for her to play. In the flashing neon, above the clangs and hoots and whistles, he mentioned he also liked to go to strip clubs. You like to spend money on girls, Ronnie thought, so maybe you could spend some money my way

Afterward, in his BMW, Williams confided that being CEO wasn’t as fun as it seemed. He spent most of his time pestering investors, he said, trying to bring in more capital with a desperation that left him feeling like “a money whore.”

Ronnie looked at him and realized this was her opening. She played her card. 

“I’m a money whore, too,” she told him. “I sell nudes online.”  

“No way!” he said and offered her $500. It was more than the $130 she’d been charging guys on Tumblr for her collection, and more than she made in a week at Oomba. They stopped at an ATM, and she emailed him a drive of explicit photos and videos. This felt like a game she’d been playing for years. It was almost too easy. 

“From that point forward, I basically became his sugar baby,” she tells me. “He even said he loved me, and I kind of feel that he did. But not in a healthy way — in a controlling, manipulative kind of way.” She’d thought that Williams would be “just another john,” that Oomba would be an easy win, but the rules kept changing and catching her by surprise. One move led to another, and soon everything got out of hand. 

By the summer of 2018, 18 months after Williams took Ronnie to the arcade, Oomba would be over, with Williams facing internal accusations of financial mismanagement and inappropriate sexual relationships. But first, after squeezing the same investors for years, and though Oomba had zero revenue, it seems the company raised about $35 million from Chicago firm ExWorks Capital and blew through all of it in about a year. Where did the money go? No one is quite sure. There was a seven-figure splurge on a Las Vegas extravaganza featuring Big Bang Theory star Wil Wheaton that was so over budget the company didn’t fully pay the venue, according to a former member of management. There were chic offices, where Williams fell hundreds of thousands of dollars behind in rent. And there were a whole lot of sex workers. 

I reviewed thousands of pages of documents and spoke with over 30 sources about Williams and Oomba, including investors, employees, and business partners. Most described him as narcissistic, a fast-talking salesman with a talent for separating people from their savings. He drank a lot of Red Bull and had a puerile sense of humor, asking an employee who brought her cat into work, “Can I pet your pussy?” again and again. Williams apparently didn’t like rules, couldn’t focus, and seemed unable to accept that he might ever be wrong. He could be volatile, swearing over text message (“if you don’t return my call by 5 PM you are fucking fired you fucking douche”) and chastising employees over the office PA system (“Come to my office now you dumb motherfucker”). 

And he often stretched the truth, especially when doing so enabled access to more funding or let him out of paying for something. 

“It was my feeling that he cheated investors, he cheated employees, and he cheated vendors, and he felt zero guilt about that, I mean zero,” said one C-level executive who worked at Oomba for almost three years.  

(Williams refused repeated requests to speak with me, saying over text, “I hope you get all your facts straight and that you’ll spell my name correctly.”) 

In some ways, the rise and fall of Oomba is so outlandish that it competes with the worst startup horror stories. Williams was allegedly dating three employees at a time. He raised over $250,000 on Kickstarter and never followed through on the project for which the money was meant. He pledged $400,000 in college sponsorships and only gave a quarter of it. He claimed that magician Penn Jillette and Atari founder Nolan Bushnell had invested in Oomba, something both men deny — though Bushnell is a friend who held a formal role at one of Williams’ previous startups, which was called, almost unfathomably, Reality Gap. 

“NBA stars were going to get involved, and Kobe Bryant would put in a million,” one Oomba investor recalls. “I think Mike was delusional, that he literally thought he was going to develop the next Facebook, but at some point, when he realized he wasn’t, he started lying.” 

Bushnell, who has his own history of alleged inappropriate sexual behavior, is more forgiving. He describes Williams as “probably the most optimistic guy I’ve ever met,” and says he has no hard feelings about being falsely named in press releases as Oomba’s chief visionary officer, adding, “A lot of times, the difference between an optimist and a scoundrel is nuance.” 

“He was wearing a suit two sizes too big and had a hole in the bottom of his shoe”

Paychecks came late, if at all. Invoices went unpaid. A $100,000 loan agreement was scanned and emailed without signatures, giving Williams cover to deny the loan had happened at all. And after four years, the company’s core product was never able to do what it said it was supposed to: work with any game. It’s possible this was because many of Oomba’s engineers were college students whom Williams apparently sometimes paid in free food and the promise of stock options. Or maybe, a few employees suggest, he preferred to keep the software unfinished. 

“There’s glitches and glitches and glitches, but he didn’t want it to work. He wanted it to stay almost done, to raise more money from investors,” one senior-level employee believes. “I told people really early, ‘Listen, this is what it is. Just shut up and get paid while we’re getting paid.’”

This was a common attitude at Oomba: grab the money hose and hold on before it all ran out. It’s almost hard to blame them. Why not try to catch some of that $35 million as it fell? I’ve done the same myself with other startups. Maybe you have, too. There’s little order or fairness in what gets funded and, of course, no justice whatsoever in who has the wealth to invest in a startup to begin with. Capitalism is capricious.

But how did Oomba manage to raise so much in the first place? Well, versatile tournament software is apparently a good idea and something that still hasn’t quite been done. When the company was founded in 2013, game-adjacent investments were prescient — before Twitch, the streaming platform, and Discord, the messaging service, got big. Competitive video game play, or esports, was taking off as a spectator sport in Asia. And of course, Williams is a white man who was trying to raise capital in the era of peak startup, a six-year period when the total amount invested by venture capital firms more than tripled: from $41.3 billion in 2012 to $140.2 billion in 2018. 

So the story of Oomba is also the story of the average startup: most fail. At least half go out of business within four years. That’s usually the point for people who fund early-stage software companies: riskier investments in the hopes that a few will pan out spectacularly. And with great risk comes the occasional Oomba. 

Michael Williams started raising money for Oomba in 2012 and 2013. By his side was a blond actress, Dylan Hundley, who starred in the Oscar-nominated 1990 film Metropolitan. The unlikely duo found an audience on the East Coast when a finance guy saw the pitch deck and brought it to his golf club buddies in Connecticut. 

“He presented it as, ‘I get pitched all the time, over a long career, and this is one of the best concepts I’ve been presented with,’” explains one friend. The finance guy said Oomba was a hundred-bagger, or maybe a thousand-bagger, meaning they’d get back a thousand times their investment. To seal the deal, Williams and Hundley came to the golf club — a lush expanse dotted with white birch and sycamores — for cocktails, hors d’oeuvres, and a Powerpoint in a private room. 

“There was a lot of enthusiasm, and everyone fed off each other,” one golf club member tells me. Williams didn’t quite impress — “He was wearing a suit two sizes too big and had a hole in the bottom of his shoe,” — but Hundley made up for it: “She was a very attractive woman, and she had been in the movies.” 

A few years earlier, Hundley had done some consulting for Williams when he was CEO at Reality Gap. Having already spent $7 million in investor funding, he paid her using money meant for payroll taxes; as a result, the board fired him. Now here she was, helping him secure new backers.  

One of the investors, Paul Rotondo, agreed the golfers were smitten with Hundley and therefore with Oomba: “The fellas at the club, they’re kind of all hornbags,” he says. “Your eyes glaze over. It’s a big frickin’ dream, you find something like this.” 

Around 20 members of the golf club invested. Several brought in family and other friends. The finance guy got his ex-wife involved. Some people didn’t have the savings necessary to be accredited investors, but Williams helped “fudge” the paperwork, as one person put it. On an early shareholders’ call, Williams announced Oomba had “tens of thousands of users,” though the real number of accounts was more like 450. Expectations were high. 

Rotondo says one golf buddy “was of the opinion that our group could buy some kind of airplane that we could share” when Oomba hit it big. “He had this money spent.” 

Meanwhile, in California, a college sophomore named Tyler Hogan met Williams at a midnight Magic: The Gathering tournament during the fall of 2013. When Williams saw his University of California, Irvine sweatshirt and learned Hogan was studying computer science, he offered him an internship on the spot. Hogan is pale and towheaded, with soft features and trusting blue eyes. He was intrigued. “What’s the worst that could happen? I’m just getting experience,” he said. That spring, Hogan brought Williams to his video game development club at UCI. At least four additional students got hired. For a while, this was Oomba’s entire engineering team. 

The college kids came in on evenings and weekends, even pulling all-nighters at the office. But Williams seemed determined to distract them. He insisted on adding streaming, stretching resources to form OombaTV. He set up promotional tournaments before the software was ready, announcing after one that over 200,000 people had watched — Google Analytics only showed 1,995 viewers. 

“It was always like, ‘Oh, quickly add this one fix in to make the tournament work for this weekend!’” Hogan says. “We were never taking the time to think through how this would work for hundreds of thousands of people at the same time.”

As simple as digital brackets may sound, not all tournaments look like March Madness. Complications arise around scoring, teams, and elimination. But Oomba apparently ignored the tech dictum to design at scale. The company spent years writing code tailored to whatever kind of tournament it would be running next, without ever achieving a universal solution that could be customized.  

“I never did quite understand what he was trying to do, other than trying to make money off the investors” 

The limits of this strategy became clear by August 2014 when Oomba debuted at Gen Con, the annual 60,000-person gathering focused on “tabletop games,” meaning roleplaying games (like Dungeons and Dragons), collectable card games (like Pokémon), and board games (like Clue). These are the games that Williams loves, but they were not the priority of investors. Tabletop has grown in the past decade — driven by megahits like Cards Against Humanity and Catan — and in 2018, the category brought in $11.95 billion worldwide. But that same year, video games made over ten times more: $138.7 billion. 

At Gen Con 2014, Oomba was supposed to run a Catan tournament and a Guinness World Record-setting tournament of rock, paper, scissors. It was chaos. 

“Everybody was just at the edge of their wits, super stressed, not getting enough sleep,” Hogan recalls. “The software was like half running it, but it was kind of falling over in a lot of places.”

By the end, Oomba was banned from exhibiting at the convention in the future.

Larry Roznai, who was in charge of Catan as the president of Mayfair Games, says that in spite of months of promises, Oomba’s software couldn’t handle a Catan tournament. “At the end of the day, there was nothing functional behind it,” he tells me, adding that Mayfair never paid Williams a cent. “I never did quite understand what he was trying to do, other than trying to make money off the investors.” 

After Gen Con, Williams decided he wanted a place where Oomba could host tournaments, and he chose two storefronts — one for tabletop and one for video games — in the Laguna Hills Mall, a cursed-feeling place that was set to close in a few years. Rent was cheap. Foot traffic was low. 

One afternoon, the team returned to the office to find someone changing the locks. So Oomba’s employees relocated everything to a cinder-brick storage space at the mall. 

For about a year, this was Oomba’s home base. In the winter, it got so cold that Hogan wore his furry snowboarding jacket and kept a space heater under his desk. The demand from heaters and computers sometimes overloaded the circuits, cutting power to the room and sending everyone home. Many of the employees quit. Those who stayed were mostly in college and didn’t need the money — seeing as paychecks rarely came. “It would be like, ‘Hey, it’s Friday, let’s go to Buffalo Wild Wings!’, and we’d know intuitively that means we’re not getting a paycheck today,” Hogan says. 

On the other side of the cinder bricks, Yelp reviewers complained the esports-oriented Oomba Lounge was disorganized, with rude staff and computers that often broke. “Do NOT take your kids here,” wrote Rainbow K. in July 2015. “They only want to take your money.” 

Williams emailed investors that fall, asking for more funding and saying deals with Hasbro, Rock Band, and the South By Southwest festival were in the works. “We are talking about a global RISKⓇ tournament! 12 year-old Mike is loving this!!” he wrote. 

But as the months wore on, the folks in Connecticut grew antsy. Williams and Hundley, who was living in New York, kept calling the golf club members looking for more money each quarter: $20,000 here, $23,000 there. “He knew the people who invested a lot, we were the ones with the most liability, so we would invest more,” one golf club member tells me. 

With all this financing, Williams didn’t seem to care about revenue, let alone profit. “He truly does not have any idea at all about the value of the dollar,” claims one person who has worked with Williams on and off. “He spends money whether he has it or not.” 

Williams called her his “unicorn”

So in early 2016, Williams started looking into buying a chain of restaurant-arcades called GameWorks. GameWorks began in the late ‘90s as a joint venture between DreamWorks, Sega, and Universal Studios, with input from Steven Spielberg. Much had changed since then, including a few bankruptcies and restructurings. At his first meeting with GameWorks’ chairman Howard Brand, over lunch at a Chinese restaurant in Manhattan Beach, Williams wore a black-and-white striped referee’s jacket. 

“I thought he was a little eccentric. Typically when I go to these meetings I’m dressed pretty nice,” Brand says. “From my point of view, I didn’t really care, as long as he paid the price.” 

Howard Brand looks like George Costanza from Seinfeld but has serious business acumen — the kind of guy who flips companies in trucking, health care, and scrap metal recycling. He led the purchase of GameWorks from Sega in 2011 and began learning the complexities of the family entertainment center space. “There’s so many parts to it that you have to know: gaming, party, food and beverage,” Brand explains.

His son, an enterprising gamer named Michael, was finishing college and convinced his father that GameWorks should get in early on esports. Howard was skeptical but allowed the younger Brand to build out dedicated esports lounges in three of GameWorks’ eight locations, where he began hosting video game tournaments that attracted several hundred players and spectators. 

“People would line up in the heat to come in. It was amazing. I didn’t realize how big it was,” Howard says with pride. 

But even though GameWorks had advanced gaming PCs, the tournaments were run on spreadsheets.

This was where Oomba would come in. “If you have software to automate the process, it would improve the experience for the average gamer,” Michael Brand says. Williams put in an offer to buy GameWorks, and he and Howard negotiated a deal. But Williams didn’t deliver the money. 

“We gave Mike Williams four or five months,” Howard says, and he couldn’t come up with anything more than a few nonrefundable deposits. 

“My mentality was, it’s not going to happen,” Michael Brand says. You can’t pay for a company with enthusiasm. Silly costumes aside, if Williams was the kind of guy who had no follow-through, then that wasn’t going to change, no matter how many extensions he got. 

By the time Ronnie started at Oomba, in the late summer of 2016, the company had around two dozen employees spread across a two-story building in a low-slung office park with glass-walled conference rooms, a kitchen, and even a shower. Williams spent thousands on height-adjustable desks but sometimes didn’t pay the company’s health insurance bill; an employee once called a doctor’s office to schedule an appointment only to discover the policy was inactive. 

“I got my first paycheck when I was supposed to get my second, and I got my second when I was supposed to get my third, and from then on after every paycheck was over a month late, so after eight months, I couldn’t financially do it,” one employee tells me. 

People would quit all the time, and new people would get brought in. One executive left after having multiple vertigo spells, including one in the fast lane on the freeway, that he says were from the stress of working at Oomba. Multiple women left after they alleged Williams said something inappropriate or asked them out. 

“He tried to test the water like that with me, being friendly, and I was never receiving of it,” one woman says. “I put up my wall. And then once I did that, he started treating me a little bit differently” — less friendly, more making fun of her. 

But Ronnie was different: eager for cash and comfortable selling access to her body. Williams called her his “unicorn.” Barely a week after she first sent him photos, Williams took her to Las Vegas and bought Ronnie $2,000 worth of lingerie at La Perla.

“And afterwards, as a payment, he’s like, what are you going to do? So I masturbated in front of him,” she says. “He even got me my own room, and it was the nicest room that I’ve ever seen, at the Greek-themed hotel.” 

“I was like, I have a pretty sweet situation here. Why would I want to fuck it up?”

Caesars Palace was interested in partnering with Oomba on turning some of the property’s bars into esports lounges. “Caesars is the leader in live entertainment, but MGM owns sports, so if esports was going to become a battleground on The Strip, we wanted to throw our hat in the ring,” explains a former member of Caesars management. (Caesars Entertainment declined to comment.)

While Williams was in meetings, Ronnie posted about their Vegas getaway on Facebook, where she was friends with a few people in the office. When they got back, the HR manager called Ronnie in.

“Nothing weird ever happened,” Ronnie told her. She didn’t want to lose the job, she tells me. “I was like, I have a pretty sweet situation here. Why would I want to fuck it up?”

She and Williams settled into a routine: dates twice a month for $500 each, shopping sprees, and trips to the Taboo Gentlemen’s Club, about a 15-minute drive from Disneyland. Inside, women slowly got naked on a red-lit stage while Williams and Ronnie watched from leopard-print banquettes. 

“He would give me money to throw on cute girls dancing,” Ronnie says. “Girls would see him with me and therefore that would make them comfortable, and I would even say, ‘He’s so rich! He paid for my shoes.’”

Ronnie soon learned that Williams already had multiple sugar babies, many of whom worked at strip clubs. Dates were prearranged to avoid scheduling conflicts. “All these girls saw me as a threat,” she explains. “The more money he gave me, the less for them.” But because Ronnie refused to actually touch Williams, she was happy to let other women be more hands-on. She herself was still seeing other guys. Ronnie’s lack of interest in having sex with him seemed to only make Williams like her more, just as the investors in Connecticut continued to send Williams check after check, with a desire for success that only deepened as the goal appeared increasingly out of reach.  

“Whatever he promises you, ignore him”

In mid-December, Williams went to New York to raise more money, and he brought along Ronnie, who had never been to the East Coast. “I was so excited,” she says. “We stayed right on the square” — that is, Times Square. Her parents, believing she’d be participating in important work, were delighted. Instead, after his meetings, Williams, Ronnie, and Hundley, the actress, headed to the upscale clothing store Reformation where Williams spent thousands of dollars on clothes. Ronnie and Williams then went alone to a second Reformation across Manhattan to get a certain top that wasn’t available in the first one. There, he bought her even more: a red long-sleeved dress, a printed pantsuit, a pleated skirt, vegan shoes — about 15 items total. Next, the pair headed to a comic book store and a Japanese market for more gifts: fluffy gray sock-slippers, a sweater dress, volumes 1-3 of a Rick and Morty comic. 

The trip culminated, of course, in a visit to a strip club.

“I got super fucking wasted,” Ronnie says. “He wanted to go to a back room, and to get a back room, you need to spend money and pay for champagne.” She and Williams each picked out a dancer they liked and headed for a private room, where Ronnie soon asked the women if they would mind if she got in her underwear as well. They told her to go for it. “I remember being like, ‘I’m really drunk, I need to pee,’ and they let me use the girls’ bathroom, the working girls’ bathroom.” She saw a sign that said something like, “Whatever he promises you, ignore him,” and laughed. She approached the sink and the mirror. “I washed my hands and I look at myself like, ‘Wow, I’m really fucked up.’” She stumbled back to the room and had a little more to drink. Feeling woozy, she announced she was going to lie down and take a nap.

When she woke up, her bra was off. 

She was disoriented because she didn’t remember removing it. “Did I take it off?” she says. Up until this moment, Ronnie had been having fun, amassing free clothes and drinks and new experiences, but now she felt overwhelmed. She turned to find Williams, across the room with both strippers on top of him, making out with one and then the other. “I was like, ‘I need water.’” Ronnie felt like she could no longer tell if she was playing Williams or if Williams was playing her.  

She doesn’t remember how she got back to the hotel. The next day, Williams told her he’d carried her to her room from the taxi. 

As her job at Oomba grew more ambiguous, Ronnie tried to hold her boundaries while still appearing keen to please. She’d welcome office guests with a chipper hospitality, offering coffee or tea. One potential business partner laughed at Williams’ leering joke about her talent for “teabagging,” and later, at an airport bar on the way back to Vegas, he asked for her number. On the plane, she says, Williams asked if she would have sex with the businessman to secure the deal. “He was literally trying to see if he could send me to the hotel room to make the contract go through,” she says. The guy was married, and the whole thing was “gross.” Ronnie said no.

When they got to Vegas, Williams invited her into the room he was sharing with another sugar baby. Later, she heard him telling someone that they’d had a threesome, and she became annoyed. “I’m like, bro, that was not a threesome. That was just me awkwardly masturbating while you’re getting your dick blown.”

Still, over time, she found herself doing more than she’d thought she would. When she first met one of Williams’ favorite strippers, he tried to get them to make out with each other in a back room; when Ronnie didn’t want to, “they kicked me out.” Six weeks later, when she met a different stripper, Williams got a hotel room and Ronnie let the other woman penetrate her with a sex toy. 

At work, their relationship was an open secret, but rather than prompting shame, Ronnie’s proximity to Williams gave her influence. She reveled in her newfound power: “If somebody did something I didn’t like, I would tell him, and he would go off.” She says at least two people got fired because of her. Colleagues would ask advice on how to approach Williams or for help getting paid. If it was someone she liked, Ronnie was happy to help. “I’d be like, ‘So-and-so needs money. They’re really behind on rent. Can you just cut them a check?’ And he would.” 

Williams told Ronnie she should drop out of her part-time associate degree program because if she stayed at Oomba, she could rise through the ranks. He effectively promoted her to executive assistant and showed explicit shots of her on his phone to at least one senior-level employee. 

“I was just like, ‘Yeah, I’m the center of attention, and this is great, because I’m getting paid for it,’” she says. “I felt like a badass.”

“It was very clear how lost she was”

In January 2017, she moved in with him. Not long after, a woman that Williams often described as a stripper was performing at a warehouse rave. Ronnie and Williams went and took LSD. At one point, she told him she’d be back in ten minutes, but she got lost in the music and disappeared for two hours. He was upset. On the way home, sitting in the backseat of his BMW while a friend of hers drove, Williams reached over to hold Ronnie’s hand. She felt repulsed, but she worried about rejecting him: “He’s on acid, and who knows what he’s going to do, so I smiled and pretended I was okay with it.”  

Soon, Williams decided to hire the stripper who had performed at the rave, a white woman with dyed red hair and a penchant for headdresses, to appear on OombaTV. He spent $700 on a backdrop and paid her $500 a week to come in for a few hours, leaving other employees baffled. “No nerds are going to watch a girl pretend to DJ in gamer costumes and jump around,” one employee texted another. 

Ronnie didn’t mind seeing the redheaded stripper every so often at work. But then Williams decided to hire another stripper full time, a woman with a punk-rock look named Jenna*. He gave Jenna a title and a position well above Ronnie’s: chief of staff. “I couldn’t handle her being there and whispering in my ear, and then him whispering in my ear,” Ronnie says. Other people at Oomba were also stressed by Jenna’s presence. (Jenna did not respond to repeated requests for comment.)

“It was very clear how lost she was,” Hogan remembers. “It just kind of felt like she didn’t do anything.” After one employee noticed Jenna was using the office shower, she texted two co-workers, including the HR manager, who responded, “Does she fucking live there after hours?” 

Jenna was more confrontational with Williams, Ronnie says, trying to convince him to go to therapy. The pair once got into a fight at the office and stormed outside, right when a meeting was supposed to start. For half an hour, everyone else in the meeting sat in a conference room overlooking the parking lot, waiting and watching Williams and Jenna yell at each other.

“They were like, ‘Oh, okay, sorry, sorry, let’s go to the strip club.’”

At home, Ronnie started to feel the strain of what she’d taken on. She let Williams go down on her, and then wished she hadn’t. She was doing his laundry and cleaning up after him, but when other sugar babies came by, she didn’t like that Williams treated her like the help. She was supposed to be special, his unicorn, better than the other women. Things were getting serious with another guy she was seeing, and Williams asked, to her disgust, if he could watch them having sex. Finally, one afternoon, Williams and the redheaded stripper tried to surprise her in the building’s garage. They approached dressed as cops: him in a hat and aviator sunglasses and her in a sexy two-piece police costume with high boots. Before Ronnie understood what was happening, Williams turned her around and the redheaded stripper started to handcuff her. 

“I felt one cuff close in, and you hear that cshh noise, and I just started freaking out,” Ronnie says. She felt that this was a clear violation of boundaries: a sexual scene she had never agreed to, with restraints that put her at their mercy. “I was like almost crying, but I didn’t want to seem like the pussy in the situation.” When Williams and the redheaded stripper saw her panic, they gave up. But Ronnie was shaken. “Afterwards, I was like, ‘You really don’t give a shit about me.’ They were like, ‘Oh, okay, sorry, sorry, let’s go to the strip club.’” 

By the end of February, she decided to move out and told the HR manager, who texted two other employees about it. “That’s a tough decision, because he pays her bills,” one responded. “He’s so disrespectful, he humiliated her,” the HR manager wrote back. “She’s young and got manipulated by him. Now she’s realizing it.” 

Ronnie brought her mother and her boyfriend to tell Williams she was leaving and to convince him to take her off the lease. “He said her mom wouldn’t even speak to him,” the HR manager later texted an employee. “He said they canceled date night and he stop [sic] giving her money and she’s probably upset by that.” Williams was disappointed but maintained he didn’t want Ronnie to leave Oomba. 

Within a week, he changed his mind. 

“Now that she’s over him he wants me to drop the hammer 🔨 on her. I can’t do that. That’s a fucking lawsuit waiting to happen,” the HR manager texted an employee. “I want her to leave on her own. This way it’s not on us.”  

At the end of March, Ronnie found another job. In April, Williams hired a new receptionist, a young woman in her early 20s who liked corgis, açai bowls, and One Direction. She had yet to graduate from college. 

Other than gossiping about the CEO’s sugar babies, Oomba’s employees spent 2017 preparing for an epic undertaking called the Unrivaled tournament series: a $4 million attempt to bring the fanfare and showmanship of pro-wrestling to tabletop games, with over $250,000 in prizes. OombaTV planned to stream regional Unrivaled tournaments from about a dozen cities across the country for six games — including Munchkin, Ascension, and Epic Spell Wars II: Rumble at Castle Tentakill — all leading to a grand finale at Bally’s Las Vegas Hotel and Casino, owned by Caesars Entertainment. 

“He did that I’m sure thinking, ‘Hey, I’m going to drop all this cash, of course they’re going to give me their esports business,’ but they were two totally different divisions,” recalls Matt Scott, who was then Oomba’s CTO. And in spite of Williams’ many trips to Vegas, now with Jenna and the new receptionist in tow, Caesars was not impressed. At one point, when he flew in without an improved demo, a key executive wouldn’t make time to meet with him. 

“He sat in the waiting room to see someone senior at Caesars, for hours on end, who would never see him. But he threw a tantrum, essentially, like, ‘I’m not leaving,’” says the former Caesars manager. 

The Connecticut investors were desperate for the Caesars deal to work out — or for any deal to work out, really. By now, Oomba was in settlement negotiations with a different group of over a dozen early investors who were accusing Williams of securities fraud, breach of contract, and solicitation, having allegedly asked two women in the group to bring in new investors by having sex with them. Many of Oomba’s remaining investors were looking for an exit strategy. 

One opportunity seemed to be a complex arrangement called a special purpose acquisition corporation, or a SPAC, put together by the investment arm of a financial services company. The SPAC would allow Oomba to go public without the hassle of an IPO. But first, the company needed to survive an audit. 

“As far as I could tell, the books were all over the place,” one senior-level employee says.

“Time out: ‘Pokémon’!”

As the audit went awry, and Williams realized going public meant giving up equity and therefore control, he searched for an alternative. He found it in ExWorks Capital, a Chicago firm that specializes in financing businesses with high-interest loans. Somehow, Williams convinced the fund to give him over $20 million — including over $17 million to acquire the arcade chain, GameWorks. (The similarity between the names GameWorks and ExWorks was just a coincidence.) 

After a year of Williams blowing deadlines, GameWorks chairman Howard Brand was thrilled. “We got a six and a half X return on capital, so my partners and I made a lot of money on this,” he says. But as GameWorks began to merge with Oomba, in the summer of 2017, the chain’s leadership started to see how Williams ran his company. 

Once, during a presentation, Williams got an alert on his watch and announced, “Time out: Pokémon!” He walked out and grabbed the new receptionist, so the two of them could hunt monsters in the augmented reality game Pokémon Go. Another time, someone from GameWorks saw Williams and the new receptionist leave the office together, holding hands. 

“Never having been closely connected to Silicon Valley companies or something like this, I recognize that culturally, there are some differences out there,” says former GameWorks CEO Greg Stevens, who has worked in the family entertainment business for 21 years. “It’s nothing I would have allowed in my organization.”

By July, Oomba was receiving $850,000 a month from ExWorks, giving Williams more confidence. “He got too big for his boots,” one board member tells me. At a meeting with Red Bull, he asked them to fill his BMW with cans of the energy drink. He used money designated for payroll to buy two Mercedes Benz Sprinter vans, supposedly for the OombaTV team to drive to regional Unrivaled tournaments. He bungled an opportunity to work with the company behind his beloved Magic: The Gathering after asking for many times more in licensing fees than Scott, the CTO, thought was appropriate. 

By the end of the summer, at long last, Oomba managed to demo its software for Caesars. Williams had actually followed through. He left the room before the meeting was over and emailed asking for significantly more money than what had been agreed upon. That evening, Williams and Scott were supposed to have dinner at a tavern with a senior figure at Caesars. “When he gets to the table, he just looks at Mike and starts railing on him,” Scott recalls. “I’d never seen someone turn purple.” 

“You finally deliver something we like, and then the deal terms are completely different?” the man yelled. He left the restaurant without sitting down. 

Eventually, Williams sent threatening emails to Caesars management, and the people who had been working on the deal were told to never speak with him again. 

As the Unrivaled tournament approached, its budget swelled. Fewer game stores than expected participated in regionals, and few people showed up to play. No one was buying tickets to the Vegas finale. Williams grew frustrated, and when he saw that Hundley, the actress, made a mistake on the event’s landing page, he called and berated her for several days in a row. To lock in an audience, he decided to cover airfare for over 800 players and staff and hotel rooms for over a thousand. One employee said Williams even commissioned a company to pay hundreds of additional people to attend.

Then, a few weeks before the Vegas event, something unusual happened. Scott was told that Williams had invited a female employee to his hotel room while they were traveling for work; when she refused, he apparently told her he’d find a way to fire her. This wasn’t the weird part; Williams had been openly behaving this way around female employees for years. But this time, Scott told the HR manager at GameWorks — who actually investigated the complaint. 

Soon, internal investigations revealed that Williams had “sugar daddy” relationships with several employees, including Jenna and the new receptionist. He’d recruited assistants through the sugar daddy website SeekingArrangement, where he called himself SharpCEO and claimed he was worth $50 million. He’d put company money toward buying a car for his brother and motorcycles for himself and another employee. And Williams had transferred around $200,000 out of the company’s bank account to use as he pleased. 

“Mike was handling the cash himself, even though there was a CFO,” says one executive from this era. “He was using it as his personal checkbook.” 

One employee rushed to leave her grandfather’s funeral in San Francisco, so as to keep her job

Even before the HR investigation was complete, a handful of C-suite executives and a board member got together at a coffee shop to figure out what to do. It didn’t take long to decide Williams needed to be fired. “We felt we had no choice but to do so, under California law, and also simply being human,” one board member says. From New York, Hundley urged them on, apparently feeling betrayed after Williams’ outsized response to her website error. 

The plan was to confront Williams on a Wednesday evening, after everyone had gone home. A corporate attorney would review the charges on speakerphone. One board member was present in person, and the other would call in from the East Coast; the two men had already signed a letter to Bank of America removing Williams from the accounts, effective at 5PM. A locksmith would change the keys and the security code. A security guard was even waiting to escort Williams off the premises because a few people had heard Williams boast about having a gun in his office. 

The meeting started off okay. “Mike was confused. We caught him off guard,” Scott recalls. For much of the conversation, he was almost in denial. After a while, Williams begged the group to at least allow him to do the Unrivaled finale in Vegas, which was ten days away. But the board voted and removed him from his position. Then, he grew calm. 

“Well, this is all going to work out fine. I’m going to turn the tables,” Williams said. “You guys can’t fire me.”

He left, promising this wasn’t the end. 

“And here,” explains Scott, “is where he really revealed his sideways genius.” 

The next day, Oomba’s employees were disturbed to find an armed security guard at the office entrance. The executives ushered everyone into the conference room and announced that Williams had been voted out. Hundley was on speakerphone, saying, “You guys are safe now.” 

“This whole Unrivaled nonsense is going to stop,” one executive told the room. “We’re going to cancel it, salvage our losses, and not rack up any more bills.” 

Oomba’s employees stared back at him. Most had spent the past year working on Unrivaled. As they surmised, many were about to be fired. 

One of those immediately laid off was Jenna, whom the executives didn’t think had been contributing anything. But as it turned out, Jenna had administrative access to the company’s servers. And ostensibly at Williams’ direction, she soon locked out Scott and the people who’d fired her and restored access to Williams, who began reading everyone’s emails. 

That Saturday, Williams and Jenna came back to the office, and once again, called a professional to change the locks. Williams emailed many employees to fire them, and then contacted a smaller group that he saw as loyal, asking them to meet up that weekend. One employee rushed to leave her grandfather’s funeral in San Francisco, so as to keep her job.

In the middle of all this, Scott called the police and came down to the office. Williams “poked his head out, waved around some paperwork, and showed the cop this founder’s document, which said he was legally entitled to appoint new board members,” Scott says. “And there wasn’t a lot we could do.” 

As it turned out, Williams, not the people who had initiated the coup, was in charge.  

“No one had really looked at the agreements,” one executive says. “Basically, he enjoyed a majority of common stock, so he couldn’t be fired.” 

The executives scrambled and reached out to the partners at ExWorks Capital, trying to explain that Williams was a liability.

Williams, too, reached out to ExWorks, referring to the other group as “pretenders” and asking for another $1.6 million to finish paying for Unrivaled.

ExWorks sided with Williams. The COO, the CFO, and Hundley were fired. 

“Looking back, I’m like, ‘What a toxic situation!’”

The next week, at the Unrivaled tournament, Williams ran around in a Batman costume with the new receptionist dressed as Batgirl. There was a marching band, there were zombie versions of the cranky old men from The Muppet Show, there were Broadway-level production values, and there was Big Bang Theory and Star Trek actor Wil Wheaton, all for people sitting onstage at a folding table, rolling dice and throwing down cards. The theater was filled with people who were paid to be there. The software struggled. 

Over the next few months, ExWorks sent in a forensic accountant, and the remaining people from GameWorks tried to convince them to stop giving Williams money. 

“They just didn’t seem to take it to heart,” Stevens says. Instead, over the next six months, ExWorks provided Oomba with another $9 million, bringing the total to around $35 million. “The fact that they seemed to have an open spigot allowing him to do whatever he needed to do on the spending side of this? It was beyond shocking.”

In late November, the core team of engineers quit, including Hogan, who by then had graduated college and who estimates that after four years, Williams owed him six figures in backpay. And in May 2018, Oomba officially came to an end, with ExWorks taking over what was left: namely, GameWorks. (“ExWorks foreclosed on the assets and new management was installed,” explains former ExWorks executive chairman Randy Abrahams in an email.)

Hundley decided to sue Williams and Oomba, and she reached out to Ronnie, among others. Ronnie never got back to her: “I’m a sex worker, they’re going to use that against me,” she explains. Ronnie also felt confused about her role in what had happened, and she felt terrible about being complicit in any harm, especially with the people she got fired. 

In a sworn declaration for Hundley’s case, one employee said they’d heard Williams say “something along the lines that ‘Dylan is only good at getting money by sleeping with investors.’” Hundley tells me she’s unable to comment because she signed an NDA. 

During the pandemic, Williams posted on LinkedIn to draw attention to his latest venture, called Glytch. Once again, he appeared to be running the company alongside an attractive woman. This time, instead of Hundley, it was Jenna. 

Williams is also a pawn in a larger system — and according to the rules of that system, finishing the game empty-handed is hardly a victory

Ronnie doesn’t dye her hair anymore; she keeps it black. This spring, she finished her associate degrees and is starting a bachelor’s, hoping to become a translator. She feels estranged from the version of herself that worked at Oomba. “Looking back, I’m like, ‘What a toxic situation!’” she says. A lot of it was fun, but she sees now that it was an empty kind of fun, papering over lies, greed, and exploitation. “With money comes power: to be able to go places and be like, ‘Yeah! We’re the richest bitches here!’ But we weren’t, though. We just made it seem that way, and I helped him portray that.” 

In the past few years, as she watched woman after woman come forward with stories of workplace harassment and abuse, she started to realize she needed to tell the world about what happened at Oomba.

“I know I’m not the first or the last girl, so I have to speak on it. Otherwise, I’m saying ‘Screw you’ to the other survivors,” she says. She’s sorry it took her so long to talk about what happened, but she explains, “I was 23 at the time, and I wasn’t very mature. I’m 26 now.” 

Perhaps most of all, Ronnie regrets that Williams’ tactics inspired her, however briefly, to manipulate anyone. Life shouldn’t be a game, she thinks, with people divided into winners and losers. “Everyone thinks capitalism is so great, but then you get educated and you’re like, ‘No! You’re literally leaving people starving,’” she says.  

Over the course of Oomba’s existence, a lot of people ended up as losers, and though no one is starving, at least one golf club member predicts he’ll need to work longer to build back his retirement savings.  

As for the winners here, well, Williams seems unscathed. But as Ronnie points out, Williams is also a pawn in a larger system — and according to the rules of that system, finishing the game empty-handed is hardly a victory. 

The real winner in the Oomba saga might be the only person who walked away with money to spare: the chairman of GameWorks, Howard Brand. Stevens tells me the $17 million that Williams got ExWorks to pay for GameWorks was more than the company was worth. And after Stevens and Brand spent years painstakingly bringing GameWorks into profitability, Williams fumbled the ball, with ExWorks losing almost $29 million on the chain since 2017. 

When I asked Howard Brand about what happened at GameWorks after Oomba took over, he went over everything Williams had done wrong, point by point. Reviewing the mistakes and misrepresentations of a man who wore a costume to their first meeting, Brand sounded dumbfounded. But in the end, he says, it wasn’t his company anymore. Williams, and whatever destruction he may have caused, wasn’t his problem. “I know a lot of people hate him,” Brand says, but for him, it’s nothing personal. It’s business. Everyone’s out for themselves. This is how the entire economy works. And if you’re playing to win, you can’t get caught up in minor details like what happens to the people who lose.  

“I was just primarily interested in the cash,” Brand says, in a dispassionate yet satisfied tone. “I got paid. I’m done.” 

*Names were changed to protect the identity of those involved.

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Amanda Chicago Lewis <![CDATA[Drink up, stoners]]> https://www.theverge.com/2019/7/30/18639829/weed-beer-drinkable-marijuana-cannabis-drinks-alcohol 2019-07-30T09:30:55-04:00 2019-07-30T09:30:55-04:00
.st0{fill:#CBFF00;} .st1{font-family:'Jaune';} .st2{font-size:153.6325px;} .st3{fill:none;} .st4{font-family:'Compagnon-Medium';} .st5{font-size:45px;} .st6{font-size:33px;} DRINK UP,STONERS Big Alcohol is pouring billions into the drinkable marijuana market. But is that how anybody wants to get high? By Amanda Chicago LewisIllustrations by Party of OnePhotography by Silvia Razgova

It’s 2019, and Big Alcohol wants in on legal pot — but only on its own terms. One by one, the largest beer companies in the world have announced their intention to create drinkable marijuana products. So brace yourself for an onslaught of alcohol-free weed beers and weed seltzers and weed fruit punches. 

There’s only one problem: no one really wants or likes cannabis beverages. In legal adult-use marijuana markets, infused beverages make up a mere 2 to 3 percent of total sales. But the alcohol industry really and truly believes it can convince us that we want to consume weed the same way we consume alcohol, gulp by gulp. Molson Coors CEO Mark Hunter has said drinks could soon make up 20 to 30 percent of cannabis sales. That’s right: he thinks he can increase demand for marijuana beverages by a factor of 10.

Last year, Molson Coors took a controlling stake in a joint venture with a licensed pot producer in Canada called HEXO. Anheuser-Busch InBev put $50 million toward a similar joint venture with the British Columbia-based Tilray. Heineken-owned Lagunitas already sells a hop-flavored, pot-infused sparkling water at California marijuana dispensaries, in partnership with Sonoma’s CannaCraft. And Constellation Brands, which includes Corona and Modelo, threw down nearly $4 billion — the biggest investment in the history of weed — on a 38 percent stake in the largest Canadian marijuana producer, Canopy Growth.

Being high doesn’t feel the same as being drunk

Full disclosure: I’ve always found drinks to be the worst kind of marijuana edible. Even if you find one that doesn’t taste like bong water, the absent-minded ease of sipping almost guarantees you’ll have too much, and the delayed intensity that’s left so many people wary of edible weed means that it could hit you all at once, two hours later. Unless, of course, it’s a low-dose product, and then you might have too little. I’ve been smoking about a joint a night for the past decade or so, and I need 25–30 milligrams of THC to get high. Most pot drinks are aimed either at serious, all-day stoners, with 100 milligrams of THC per bottle, or at entry-level lightweights, with 2.5 milligrams of THC per bottle. I love weed, but I don’t want to stop myself after a third of an iced tea, and I don’t want to have to down 10 iced teas. Marijuana tolerance varies far more than alcohol tolerance, and that makes it much harder to create shareable, standardized products. 

As it exists now, the whole cannabis beverage category is a mess. Even if you can get the dosage and the taste and the onset timing correct, being high doesn’t feel the same as being drunk. Why should we try to force marijuana to mimic the experience of alcohol? Are the makers of Blue Moon and Stella Artois hoping that, 10 years from now, bars and ball games will offer both a weed beer and regular beer? 

I tried to push past the sunny investor forecasts and check it all out for myself: the mega-companies in Canada burning up shareholder cash; the shrewd entrepreneurs in California who are still getting used to following laws; and the thriving illicit market that offers lower quality for cheap, undercutting the entire legalization endeavor from Toronto to Detroit to Los Angeles. With the goal of doing some crucial investigative weed-beverage journalism, I tasted nasty concoctions, spent 12 hours pot party-hopping at Coachella, messed up a friend’s romantic rendezvous by getting her too stoned, ventured to an isolated factory town in Canada, and got myself super high on marijuana wine on a night that ended with a $62 snack shopping spree.

“How many different ways do we have to get high? It’s a little stupid.”

I discovered the reality is that Big Beer is going after pot drinks because its own industry has been in slow, steady decline for two decades. First, cocktails and wine grew more accessible, chipping away at beer’s market share. Then, craft breweries led a revolution against domestic lager juggernauts like Budweiser and Miller Lite. Now, with Americans increasingly concerned about the negative health implications of drinking and legalized cannabis poised to take a huge bite out of the recreational intoxication consumer spending pie, giant beer companies are trying to maintain their lucrative dominance over how we turn up and wind down.

“If you’re a beverage company and you know how to make liquid and put it in cans and make it taste good, whether it’s an electrolyte beer or a THC beer, it’s a natural extension of your expertise,” says Brandy Rand, chief operating officer for the Americas at IWSR Drinks Market Analytics, an alcohol industry market research firm. Rand told me she thinks the expansion into marijuana-infused beverages makes perfect sense for alcohol companies. “This is a natural progression into looking at people who are concerned about wellness, who maybe want the occasion and experience of something that looks, tastes, and feels like a beverage alcohol product but has no calories, no hangover.” 

But of course Rand feels that way. She works for a company that sells information and projections to alcohol conglomerates who are eager for a solution to the challenges posed by legal cannabis. Analysts on the weed side aren’t quite so optimistic about pot drinks. “I think it’s going to be a novelty that wears off pretty quickly,” says Matt Karnes, founder of the cannabis financial firm GreenWave Advisors. “How many different ways do we have to get high? It’s a little stupid.”

This is what’s so wild about marijuana legalization. Everything is still up in the air, and things are moving fast. We can’t even predict all of the industries legal pot will disrupt or fundamentally alter. Sleep aids? Painkillers? Tourism? Data from the first states to allow recreational use show that more people are willing to give the drug a try once it’s legal. The tantalizing and possibly once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to entice and convert more people into cannabis consumers has businesses hustling to innovate neophyte-friendly offerings — hence the eight-figure investments in building a better weed drink. “Beverages should have a meaningful opportunity, if you can fix the product,” says Vivien Azer, the lead cannabis analyst at the investment bank Cowen.

Maybe cannabis drinks really are going to be the next kombucha, and not the next New Coke

But as with other vice industries like casinos or tobacco, the majority of weed sales remain concentrated among the heaviest users, creating a conundrum for anyone looking to sell marijuana beverages: develop a high-dose product for the market you have, or develop a low-dose product for the market you want? Much of the money aimed at the speculative, mainstream market is going to Canada where marijuana-infused beverages and other edibles will become available this December, giving corporate beer companies a chance to experiment in the Great White North before debuting anything on a global stage.

I’ll admit that I’m part of the existing cannabis market, and so I don’t totally understand what might motivate the people who are only now considering trying weed for the first time or coming back to it after some years away. Perhaps people will find drinking THC to be more clean, appealing, and healthy than vaping oil or smoking pot. Pipes can be gross. Bongs can be intimidating. So with as open a mind as possible, I set off this spring to see what’s out there and what’s coming, in a bid to determine whether pot drinks could be the future of inebriation. 

Maybe cannabis drinks really are going to be the next kombucha, and not the next New Coke. I’m willing to believe that a slew of corporations can figure out what we want before we do. I’m willing to try a weed beverage that tastes and feels better than the crap I’ve had after six years as a marijuana industry reporter and a decade living in Los Angeles. I’m just also cognizant of the fact that hundreds of millions of dollars have been wasted on dumber ideas before.

The oldest operating marijuana beverage brand in the country is also, for now, the best-selling one. It’s called the Cannabis Quencher, a line of juices and lemonades in flavors like hibiscus and strawberry that have been sold in California for the past eight years by the company VCC Brands. I’ve always hated Cannabis Quenchers, which taste too sweet and usually contain a whopping 100mg of THC. But I decided that in order to understand where pot drinks are going, I need to spend some time with someone who understands where they’ve been. 

When I call up VCC Brands founder Kenny Morrison, this intention morphs into a plan to drive his Subaru out to the desert and cruise through Southern California’s greatest annual drug-fueled party scene: Coachella. After all, if there’s one place on Earth that can predict which intoxicants are going to be cool in the coming years, it’s Indio in mid-April when the youth of the world gather to pose and preen and get fucked up.    

At 44, Morrison embodies a very Hollywood idea of a white man in Los Angeles: surfer, actor, weed mogul. (As a child, he starred in The NeverEnding Story sequel.) He is tan year-round, with a five o’clock shadow and a confident, disarming charm. As we drive, he often changes lanes without signaling.

From 2008 to 2018, Morrison operated his commercial cannabis kitchen between 4PM and 1AM because it was illicit and he assumed food inspectors didn’t work after hours. Over the years, he’s put pot into everything from bagel bites to biscotti, caramels to coconut water. When he first began looking into beverages in 2010, he hired a food scientist who made him swear to keep his involvement a secret.

“We were like, ‘Where should we start? Iced tea? Lemonade?’” Morrison recalls. “He was like, ‘Here’s the difference: If lemonade goes bad, it’ll give someone a stomachache. Maybe they’ll throw up. But if you do an iced tea wrong, that will kill your customer,’ and I was like, ‘Let’s start with lemonade!’”

Even though marijuana is technically not allowed on Coachella’s grounds, the surrounding desert is a hot spot for industrial cannabis production. This year, there were weed-sponsored shindigs aplenty. During a single Friday, we managed to see the full range of Golden State pot culture: the Johnny-come-latelies with tons of money, the ex-criminals scrambling to scale up, and the people operating on the edges of what is legal.

Morrison belongs to the second group. After securing $5–15 million from an investor this spring, he is now gunning to compete with Molson Coors and InBev.   

“Fuck them and their insights,” Morrison says. “Some insights can be bought, but many insights come with experience.”  

We pull off the freeway in an exurban wasteland of pavement, dust, and fast food. Our first stop is a marijuana dispensary where a new low-dose weed beer called Two Roots is targeting festivalgoers with THC-free samples from a bicycle-operated kegerator. Two Roots has supposedly solved the biggest problem with existing pot drinks: the fact that it takes so long to get high. 

“Imagine if you had to wait an hour and a half to feel the impact of scotch,” says Charlie Bachtell, the CEO of Cresco Labs, which partners with Two Roots in Nevada. Apparently, marijuana edibles feel more intense than smoking because your liver metabolizes the THC differently, converting it into a stronger, more psychedelic form. The secret to Two Roots is water-soluble THC, which skips your liver, producing a cannabis libation that hits quickly and lightly and doesn’t linger in your system.

Outside the desert pot shop, Kevin Love (not the NBA player, just a guy from New Jersey with vocal fry), “director of market activations” at Two Roots’ parent company, offers a paper cup of lager to a woman with pink hair.

“I’m good, actually,” she says.

“Wow, really?” he responds. 

Love started Two Roots’ parent company after stints at JPMorgan and the Royal Bank of Canada. He raised $19 million from friends and family.

Three gruff-looking biker types approach. “This is not our typical demo,” Love says under his breath, but the guys each take a sample. “That’s not bad,” one says. When they turn to go, Love says, “We’re lucky we didn’t get roughed up!” He is similarly disapproving when a black man with gold front teeth walks up, the last inch of a blunt hanging out of his mouth.

Just as I’m starting to wonder who will both want to try Two Roots and be found worthy by Love, his ideal customer arrives: a middle-aged white woman with red glasses. Her husband brews. “I can’t even imagine a beer with THC,” she says. “It sounds like the perfect drink!”

As we pull away, Morrison scoffs. He knows about water-soluble THC, too. “It’s not that hard,” he says, explaining that the bigger hurdle is finding the right emulsifier. Indeed, at our next event, which is hosted by an old friend of Morrison’s, bartenders are combining bottled cocktail mixers with either alcohol or emulsified CBD. It’s a party for a vape pen company that started out as illegal and is now trying to attract funding. Nestled in a hillside, the mansion they rented for the weekend provides expansive views of the valley, and though not many people have shown yet, all of the elements of a Coachella party startup kit are here: chips, guac, DJ, infinity pool, white furniture, and at least one gold inflatable swan. Women in bikini tops lounge on straw-woven cushions, smoking joints.

“This party is all about brand awareness,” says Olivia Wagner, the event planner, who is stunning and blonde and has some kind of light-catching crystal affixed to her tooth. “We’re having talent coming tomorrow at 2 because that’s when the investors are coming,” she says, name-dropping a few rappers, an actress, and one A-lister who I would be shocked to see here. “Tons of the Vice guys are coming out,” she continues. Okay, that I believe. 

As we’re driving away, Morrison seems disoriented.

“When she says ‘lifestyle brand,’ you want to punch her in the face,” he says. “But she was crushing it. Creating good-looking photography, all the stock shit you’re supposed to have. It just feels satirical because of the stark change we’ve seen in the last couple of years.” 

And it’s true. Since 2017, Morrison has gone from an outlaw who once had a million dollars seized from his bank accounts to a poster boy for legalization. But when we show up at our final event, an LA Weekly party at a Moroccan-themed hotel, it becomes clear that despite the flood of new laws and new money and new pot shops that look like Apple Stores, the free-for-all energy of an earlier era lives on.

“It should be emulsified. This dude’s a rookie.”

After some drama over whether we are On The List, we make our way down a stone-tiled pathway, past magenta Bougainvillea and a woman in camo pants, a red bra, and gold hoops who is staring at her phone on an inflatable bird of paradise-print chair. Since late 2017 when a mysterious, marijuana-connected group bought LA Weekly and fired almost the entire staff, the local rag has abandoned journalism in favor of pablum and weed ads. (Disclosure: I wrote for a very different LA Weekly from 2011–2014.) For Coachella, the publication was hosting a raucous pool party and a cannabis competition. Eventually, we find the man in charge: weed writer Jimi Devine, who is wearing a tie-dye shirt and has frizzy hair down to his chest. Devine is quite high, having posted up for the weekend with the rest of the judges to try every single entrant of pot, edible, oil, preroll, drink, and vape pen.

At Devine’s insistence, I had agreed to help judge a few categories, including beverages, so he whisks me into his hotel room where marijuana products cover almost every surface. 

“We’re not even going to give you the Marley Natural because it’s so bad,” Devine says. Sure, I think, that sounds fair. 

Some of the bud is in plastic baggies, which means it hasn’t been packaged according to state law. Less than one-fifth of the marijuana industry in California is legal. In Los Angeles, only 186 of the city’s estimated 1,700 storefront dispensaries are licensed.   

When we get back in the car, Morrison recalls that he had to explain to the LA Weekly representative that the only legal way to obtain Cannabis Quenchers for the judges was at a licensed dispensary. 

One hand on the steering wheel, Morrison looks through his competition: a beer, a lemonade, and a pomegranate green tea. He holds the lemonade up to the light, drifting across the yellow double lines. 

“See how it sticks to the top?” he says. “It should be emulsified. This dude’s a rookie.” 

Later, after I pour this super potent lemonade into a glass to try the tiniest sip, I write on the judge’s form that it looks like milk mixed with urine. 

A few weeks after immersing myself in the thirsty, cannabis-sponsored ragers of Coachella, I head to the opposite end of the legal weed universe where there are millions of dollars in R&D but not much glamour: rural Canada. I’m there to check out the most advanced marijuana drink development that money can buy at the Canopy Growth Corporation. The company’s 70-acre headquarters is about an hour outside of Ottawa in a town called Smiths Falls, where there are no actual waterfalls. 

On paper, Canopy is the most valuable legal weed firm in the world, with contracts in every Canadian province and a medical presence in Australia, Germany, Brazil, and more. It trades on the New York Stock Exchange. It recently announced a $3.4 billion plan to acquire the marijuana firm that has former Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner on the board. And it’s using the $3.8 billion from the alcohol company Constellation Brands to expand at top speed.

“There’s trees on the lawn now,” says Carly Picket, one of the employees touring me around. “There wasn’t a week ago.” 

Before this property was a legal pot behemoth with over 3,000 employees, it was a Hershey’s factory and tourist destination. In that spirit, Canopy often takes investors and media on a cheery, Potemkin-seeming “behind-the-scenes” tour, past busy-looking scientists in safety goggles, and across catwalks that overlook manufacturing space. We suit up in white coats and blue booties and peek into the clone room, the mother plant room, the flowering rooms, the vegetative rooms. We talk about temperature controls, humidity controls, light controls, automated trimmers, human trimmers, this technology, that technology, whatever. It’s weed. Canopy is growing it on an industrial scale, but so are lots of people these days. The company’s yield per plant is less than half of what other cultivators can produce, especially in California.

The Canopy people seem a little unnerved that I’m not impressed and that I’ve seen several large-scale grows like this before. At a certain point, it comes out that the company’s truly massive grows are in another province entirely, in greenhouses, which are much more cost-efficient. Later, over lunch, I ask corporate communications manager Caitlin O’Hara whether Canopy is looking into the lesser-known compounds in the cannabis plant. A lot of pot companies are especially interested in the fatigue-inducing cannabinol (CBN) as a potential alternative to Ambien, but O’Hara says she’s never heard of it. She decides to start asking me questions: specifically, which companies should Canopy be looking to acquire in California?

“Before Red Bull, there was nothing like it. That’s what this looks like.”

In the past few years, California and Canada have emerged as the global pot economy’s two gravitational poles, eyeing each other from across the border with a certain degree of mistrust and resentment. While California has the customers and the expertise, Canada has the backing of a major government and therefore the big money. After Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau prioritized legalization in 2015, Canadian financial services picked up a huge advantage in the cannabis space. So even though the entire Canadian marijuana market is worth less than the Los Angeles market, all of the serious weed investors are going to Canada or through Canada. In the five years since the Canadian Securities Exchange began allowing marijuana firms, its combined market cap has gone from $5 billion to over $30 billion — a Green Rush frenzy. 

“It’s very hard to determine if these companies are fairly valued,” explains Mitch Baruchowitz, the managing partner of cannabis investment firm Merida. Until last year, there were only about 30 companies licensed to both sell and grow pot in Canada, so when corporations like Altria (formerly Philip Morris) and Constellation went looking for legal partners, there weren’t that many choices. The situation is often described as a bubble, and I’m wondering whether Canopy can live up to the hype.

Because edibles aren’t legal yet in Canada, Canopy won’t let me try its pot beverages, which are supposed to hit within 15–20 minutes and will likely include an iced tea, a kombucha, a lemonade, and a sparkling water that tastes like pine needles.

“The goal is to create a category,” says VP of communications Jordan Sinclair. “Before Red Bull, there was nothing like it. That’s what this looks like. It fills a new need.” 

Nothing about Canopy’s new weed drinks is quite final, though. More regulations are coming, so the company is putting everything together in a preliminary way — all without knowing what consumers will actually like. 

“You are making decisions, expensive decisions, without the full details, and so there’s a lot of pivots,” says Mark Zekulin, one of the company’s two CEOs.

“It’s really just an empty box.”

Still, production forges forward. Last November, shortly after Canopy announced the multibillion-dollar investment from Constellation, the company began work on a bottling factory down the street from the grow rooms and the visitor’s center. On our way there, O’Hara brings me to the company’s regional distribution center, where Josh Shaver, the logistics guy in charge, tells me, “We consider this the world’s largest cannabis warehouse!”

“But… is it?” I ask. “The largest?” 

They have no idea. 

Finally, we reach the bottling factory, which remains under construction. We don steel toe boots, orange hazard vests, safety glasses, and hard hats before we can get near the building. It’s a huge structure, about 120,000 square feet. Outside, Mack cement mixers beep past John Deere bulldozers. We duck in a cutout where a door might go and see that the inside is filled with small rocks. O’Hara has never been to this building, and she seems thrilled to be checking it out. 

“So is this the office?” she asks. It is, but there are not yet walls or floors or anything resembling an office, really. “Wow, this is incredible,” she continues, as we walk into another part of the barren, capacious structure. I have to give her credit for keeping up this level of awe. 

“The impressive thing is the speed at which PCL is getting this all done,” says Kevin Garnett (again, not the NBA player, just the crusty project manager). PCL is the construction firm, and they are working almost twice as fast as normal. 

We walk around the vacant space for a few minutes in near silence. There’s a guy wielding a blowtorch in the corner, and a few men are scattered on scissor lifts throughout, working on the ceiling. But mostly, it feels quiet and immense and expensive, like a cathedral. Except instead of frescoes, I realize, there would soon be rows and rows of monumental contraptions shuttling flavored liquid weed in elegant glass bottles to and fro. I tried to imagine a world where I meet my friends for a drink on a Friday at that Mexican place I like, and while they sip mezcal, I slowly get stoned in the sunshine on some pine needle-flavored seltzer, manufactured right here in this room and shipped legally to Los Angeles. For now, though, it was all just a promise, a projection of what some future reality could hold. 

“It’s really just an empty box,” Garnett says, and I nod because he’s correct. 

Two months after I visit, Canopy’s board votes to oust one of its two CEOs, reportedly because the company was spending far more money than it took in. 

At long last, a few days before the pot holiday 4/20, I have the opportunity to get soused on some weed wine in Napa, California. A tenacious cannabis PR woman, Cynthia Salarizadeh, had teamed up with wine industry veteran Tracey Mason to create House of Saka, a marijuana-infused, alcohol-removed rosé made with water-soluble THC. So of course they are throwing a 75-person dinner at a Victorian ranch in wine country to celebrate. 

The ranch is in the middle of nowhere, and in the car on the way over, Salarizadeh is freaking out. Apparently, CNBC was supposed to send a camera crew, but two days ago, the cable network canceled on her. 

“In all my years of PR, I’ve never seen something so unprofessional,” she fumes. “We dropped 40 Gs on this thing!” 

Now, she’s nervous about everything. She’s worried the wine will look too cloudy because it’s natural and unfiltered. She’s worried it will taste like pot. She’s worried no one is going to show up. She’s worried her eyebrows look weird. 

We get there, and it’s beautiful, the sunlight streaming across the stained glass of the converted dairy barn. Each glass of Saka contains about 5 milligrams of THC, so when I get my first drink from the bar, I tell myself I can have five or six over the course of the night. “It doesn’t taste bad!” I say, after my first sip. Another woman says she can taste the weed, but I can’t at all. A guy comes by with scallops on a cracker, and, all at once, it’s cocktail hour and people start to arrive.

I run into the slippery and ubiquitous political consultant Sean Donahoe, with his shaggy hair and his rectangular glasses, and he tells me he really enjoys getting stoned by drinking. “Beverages have a bubbly high,” he says. “It’s like drinking champagne with a codeine kicker.” When I express some skepticism that the trend will ever catch on, he reminds me that there are non-smoking, edible-only cannabis social spaces opening in West Hollywood sometime in the next year: “That’s made for beverages!”

When I’m two glasses in, Salarizadeh introduces me to Ned Fussell, one of the founders of the Sonoma-based cannabis company CannaCraft, the company that partnered with Lagunitas on a hop-flavored, marijuana-infused sparkling water called HiFi Hops. Fussell is a scrappy lifelong pot grower from Worcester, Massachusetts. In the past decade, he and his co-founder have built CannaCraft into a major force in the California market, with 250 employees and a suite of successful brands. Salarizadeh was in talks to distribute Saka through CannaCraft.  

Soon, it’s time for dinner, and as we take our seats under the chandeliers and exposed beams in a room that looks like a spiffed-up frontier saloon, I ask Fussell to level with me: is anyone really buying HiFi Hops? I mean, does anyone actually want a sparkling water that tastes like beer and gets you high?

“It’s the number one carbonated weed beverage in California!” he says cheekily. (There are hardly any carbonated weed beverages at California dispensaries.) 

Jeff Henderson, the HiFi Hops brand manager, sits down next to us. “We sold out in the two dispensaries we’re in, in San Francisco,” he says.

“Twelve bottles!” Fussell jokes. 

It’s around this point that I realize I’m having a good time. I feel nicely buzzed and somewhat reassured that the people behind a product I’d found ridiculous also weren’t taking it too seriously. We’re eating a colorful lettuce salad with marigold flowers, and shaved watermelon radishes, when Karen Hamilton, Lagunitas’ director of community relations, walks up, in a horizontal-striped cotton maxi-dress, with a glass of Saka in one hand and a glass of red in the other. 

“Double-fisting?” I ask. 

“Well, I wanted to try this,” — the weed wine, she means — “but I wasn’t sure how much I’d like the flavor, so I got a back-up.” She likes the way it tastes, though. “It has a tartness I like, like a lemon, or a Marlborough sauvignon blanc.” 

Not long after this, I realize I’ve lost track of how many glasses I’ve had and that I’ve missed the lemon ricotta ravioli entirely. I worry I’m about to get too stoned, but the vibes are good, so I go with it. I grab some of the braised pork shoulder before it gets cold because the roasted halibut already is. At Fussell’s urging, I try a bottle of HiFi Hops, or maybe two. Then I see Yvonne DeLaRosa Green and her husband Sam, the effervescent hippie owners of a cannabis shop in Malibu. Green is wearing a drapey pink pearl-studded shawl, and she tells me they don’t stock beverages. 

“We had them before. What happened?” she asks her husband.

“It wasn’t selling as well,” he explains.

“I think the milligrams were too high,” she says, but she wants to start carrying Saka. 

Someone makes an announcement about a dessert bar, and I find Donahoe again, nursing a regular beer. 

“Is this what it’s going to be like all summer?” he asks wistfully. “High-end events?” I can’t tell if he’s somehow sad about how fancy this party is or just experiencing the same kind of whiplash that had left Morrison so unsettled.

“It tastes like someone put hops in Natty Light, and I’d rather be drinking Natty Light.”

Suddenly, it’s 9:25PM, and Salarizadeh’s shoes are off. She looks much more relaxed than she did on the way over here. Nearby, an older couple is getting freaky on the dance floor.

I start talking to a guy in a tweedy jacket who owns a company that removes the alcohol from wine and beer and liquor — a key factor in all this, since every place with legal weed does not allow you to mix cannabis and alcohol in the same product. He tells me he had quit using marijuana entirely, but beverages had brought him back. 

“These are light, but it comes on fast, enough to feel it,” he says. In this moment, I know exactly what he’s talking about: you feel the acceleration, most, when you’re getting intoxicated, so the ramp-up has to be quick but not too steep. Classic pot drinks like the Cannabis Quencher come on too strong, and too fast, long after the instinct to get high has dissipated. But this — this is great. The profound fog that I’d been bracing for had never come on. My night of drinking weed was… actually really enjoyable. 

Of course, one good night does not an industry make. And remember: I’m someone who already likes the feeling of being stoned. 

On another night, I bring a four-pack of that low-dose Two Roots product to a dinner party of cannabis-curious women, and it doesn’t go well. As one friend tries to pop the child-proof tab, the weed beer squirts in her face. Another tries to pour hers into a glass and ends up needing to crush the can to get all of the liquid out. “This is a disaster,” she observes, then takes a sip. “It tastes like someone put hops in Natty Light,” she says, “and I’d rather be drinking Natty Light.”    

Instead of hitting within 15 minutes and wearing off within an hour and a half, as promised, the Two Roots leaves one of my friends intensely high for over four hours. The date she goes on later that evening, with a hot guy from out of town, does not go well.

“It wasn’t at all unpleasant,” she texts later, as I apologize for ruining her night. “I can imagine if I was home alone being like, ‘I’ll drink that and go to bed.’ But I wouldn’t do it socially for the same reason I don’t smoke weed socially. It’s just the wrong mix.”

I realize she’s right. With alcohol, everything speeds up, and the distance between yourself and other people seems to shrink. With marijuana, the world slows down, and a light-hearted haze creeps over you, defamiliarizing reality. The experiences are not interchangeable. The people who can’t handle being stoned in public are not going to suddenly learn how. And until they do, the mainstream popularity of pot drinks is going to remain, well, a pipe dream. 

Correction: Kevin Love’s title has been updated. The previous version stated he was a founder of Two Roots’ parent company. He is the “director of market activations.”

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